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Screenplay synopsis. Comedy. About an ex-SEAL wrestler, who has just been elected governor, Jesse, and is celebrating his inaugural aboard a luxury yacht. Also in attendance is his friend, ex-tough guy movie star, Arnold. All is going well until radical terrorists seize the yacht until their demands are met. An unexpected visit from the President of the United States puts Bill right in the middle of it, as Arnold and Jesse will have none of it and fight the terrorists the only way they know how, with bad punch lines and brute force…
Governor Jess by Chili Palmer (a.k.a Peter I. Hupalo)
Fade in to Day. University of Minnesota. Jesse is on the campaign trail giving a speech. An announcer introduces him, and there is applause, as he goes to the podium.
Jesse Hi, University students. I just came here to let you know I’m running for Governor…
There are cheers for Jesse.
Jesse (continuing) Thank you. And, I could use your vote.
More Cheers for Jesse.
Jesse (continuing) Thank you, again. I look around, and I see so many smart, young, enthusiastic students. I know you will all be very successful. That you will realize your dreams. That you will contribute to Minnesota. You all have so much energy that I know you really don’t need all those State grants and scholarships the State throws money into. I have no doubt you could all raise the money you need to pay tuition. It gives you a feeling of self-reliance. And, that’s what I want to give you. So, I was thinking, we should cut all those grants and scholarships.
Dead silence, and we cut to a reaction shot of students with their mouths gaping open in shock.
Cut to the back seat of a limo. Day. Jesse is sitting next to his campaign manager.
Jesse How do you think I did? Do you think the students will vote for me?
Campaign manager I think it could have gone better. Usually, when you talk in front of students if you are mentioning grants and scholarships you tend to say you believe in them. Not cut them.
Jesse But I don’t believe in them. I’m not going to lie.
Campaign manager It’s not a question of lying. It’s more a matter of knowing what not to say. You know, maybe, I should look at your next speech. We could kind of work together on it together.
Jesse (pointing to his head) Sorry. I keep it up here.
Campaign manager So what are you planning to say to the AFL-CIO?
Jesse I’m not really sure yet.
Campaign manager Jess, the speech is in half an hour.
Jesse I know that. It’s just I don’t really understand the role of unions. It just seems if you are working hard and doing your job that a company wouldn’t want to fire you.
Campaign manager You know Jess, I wonder if it would be more efficient for us to campaign another way. It would be nice if we could use prerecorded commercials.
Jesse Yeah. That would get my message to more people.
Campaign manager Exactly. Unfortunately a TV campaign would be expensive.
Fade in. A TV discussion of political pundits.
Commentator So, what do you think the odds of Jesse winning the campaign are?
Both pundits break out laughing but restrain themselves.
Pundit 1 Not very good. That’s why the other candidates are treating him so lightly. They want to swing people who might vote for him but who feel that it would be a wasted vote.
Pundit 2 He has zero chance of winning.
Cut to Jesse sitting in a bank in front of a loan officer’s desk.
Loan Officer I’m sorry Mr. Ventura. We need to decline your loan request. You just don’t have the collateral to cover a $300,000 loan.
Jesse But I promise I’d pay it back. Even if I had to take a job cutting lumber on the weekends. Or cutting beef.
Loan Officer I’m sorry. We just don’t make loans based on that criteria anymore. If you really need the money, if you don’t mind my saying so, why don’t you wrestle again. I read somewhere that you’re a very good wrestler.
Jesse Have you ever been body slammed a couple dozen times in an evening? It gets to hurt after awhile. I’d rather try a desk job like yours. Thank you, though.
Cut to Jesse sitting in front of another bank officer’s loan desk. He is alone. He is a bit nervous.
Jesse (to himself) I know I’ll get this one. Fifty eight is a charm.
Maybe the song, "If I had a Million Dollars" is playing in the background, and We see some Jesse dream scenes of Jesse and his wife going around buying things, like a nice house, fancy watches, and even looking at an airplane. (a la Rocky in Rocky II). (All songs mentioned assume we can secure the rights, of course)
Loan Officer 2 Mr. Ventura. Afternoon.
Jesse Hi. I’m not familiar with your bank. Are you new to Minnesota?
Loan Officer 2 Pretty new. We used to do a lot of real estate financing in Texas and Florida until…well you don’t want to hear my problems. You know, I used to watch you Sunday mornings on Worldwide Wrestling. What can I do for you?
Jesse I’d like to borrow a few hundred thousand dollars to make commercials so I can get elected governor.
Loan Officer 2 I see. You know ever since we had all the investigations and bail out and stuff, we’ve really needed to crack down on making potentially defaulting loans. Do you have any collateral?
Jesse No. But I’ll give you my word I’ll pay you back.
Loan Officer Sounds good enough for me. But do you know anything about making commercials?
Jesse I have a friend in the business. I bet he’d help me out.
Cut to a movie set. Arnold is standing in front of an empty screen. He has two submachine guns, one in each hand. On each side of him are two lines of men dressed as soldiers, and on each side of him are two or three mattresses. Voice over of Action. Arnold turns one way and fires a burst, and then he turns the other direction and fires until his machineguns are empty. Just as he drops them, one man from the right sideline runs at him and Arnold throws him onto the mattress on the other side. Then a man from the other side runs at him and Arnold tosses him aside. He repeats this a few more times. His clothing gets ripped up by one man. Finally, a girl runs out and jumps in his arms and says "my hero"
Voice over "Cut. Print. Well done babe." Arnold walks over to a small table where a cup of coffee rests. He starts drinking daintily from the cup.
Arnold I’m getting too old for this. (Some coffee dribbles onto his shirt) Darn, I spilled some on my shirt.
Lady Phone call for you Arnold.
Arnold Hey Jesse. What you doing….Oh. Governor huh? Cool. Oh, yeah. I know all about advertising and stuff like that.
Fade in a billboard that says "Congratulations Jesse Ventura Minnesota’s Next Governor."
Fade in. Night, A bedroom. Jesse is lying in bed next to his wife, Mary (not her real name). Jesse is looking at a newspaper and the TV is also going on in front of them. Hulk is being interviewed on TV.
On TV set We see Hulk
Hulk I don’t know how that little pipsqueak got elected. But I’m a better wrestler than he is and if he can get elected governor, I’m going to run for President. He was only popular in, what was that crummy frigid little state, I forget.
Announcer Minnesota.
Hulk Yeah. Minne-runt-appolis. That’s it. You know why they all live up there in that bitter cold. It’s cause they either are all fat or as thin a toothpick. They use the weather as an excuse to wear parkas to hide their lack of muscular development. See, this here is a California body.
Hulk shows his muscles.
Hulk (continuing) I have national appeal. I’m not just some second rate wrestler with limited local appeal.
Cut back to Jesse reading the paper in his bed and talking to his wife.
Jesse I mean read this shit. They're saying I'm just an elected fluke and that I'll be a lame duck governorship. What the hell's that mean? Lame duck. I've never been lame once in my entire life. I mean have I ever been limp once in my life that you can remember?
Mary No.
Jesse That's darn right. Newspaper clowns don't have a clue what they’re talking about. I'm for real man. I'm governor. Elected and, well, whatever the other shit is called. Just cause I'm an ex wrestler, they're jealous. That's it.
Mary Don't take it so seriously, Jess.
Jesse I know. I'll show them I'm for real. You know how I'll show them?
Mary How darling?
Jesse The only way you can show people anything. Pure size. A spectacle.
Mary You're not thinking of flashing them are you darling? I don't think that would be very governor like.
Jesse No. I mean the inaugural party. We'll have the biggest party ever. Only the best stuff. Pigs Eye and everything. I mean real class.
Mary That's all been done before.
Jesse Not aboard a boat it hasn't! We're not going to hold it on land. I'm going back to my roots. SEAL style. I’m talking a big mother bleeping boat.
Mary A yacht?
Jesse Even bigger. But you know what I really want now?
Mary Sex?
Jesse Sex!
Jesse grabs Mary and they start doing it.
Fade out.
Fade in daytime. Outside a boat pier. People all dressed up are boarding a huge boat.
Cut to Jessie greeting them.
Jesse Come on aboard. Pigs Eye in the dining area. Pleased to meet you. (to his wife) Who's that guy?
Mary I think he's the Pope.
Jesse Cool. Hello. Come on aboard. Who the hell is that?
Mary I think he's the head of NATO or something.
Jesse Whatever….oh no. It's him.
Mary (confidentially to Jessie) No fighting. Fighting, no sex tonight.
Hulk (loud) How the hell you doing you little pip squeak second rate wrestler. I can still kick your ass. You know it. Don't be looking at me like that. You think this governor shit intimidates me? I'm going to be President. Err…
Jesse Hulk. (confidentially) Do you mind if we postpone this?
Hulk (loud) Has becoming governor turned you yellow?
Jesse No (confidentially) It's just she won't give me sex if I get into a fight.
Hulk Tough one. Ok. I guess I didn't want to fight anyway. I just wanted to ask you a few questions about running a campaign. Did you have to report your campaign contributions on a 1040 or is there another form?
Jesse Well, come on aboard and we'll talk about it later. Besides we have a swimsuit contest scheduled. You'll love it.
Hulk You got beer?
Jesse Of course.
Hulk nods his head and goes onto the boat.
Hulk I'll stay a little while then.
Jesse (to his wife) Stay a little while. The guy’s an idiot. We're on a boat. What's he going to do, swim?
Jesse sees Arnold.
Jesse There he is. The main man Arnold!
Arnold Hey man. How you doing?
Jesse Doing good. Glad to have you man.
Arnold Great boat huh?
Jesse The best, man. Thanks for letting me use it. It's really going to show em that I'm for real. That I'm gov. that I'm…hungry….let's get some chow.
Jesse and Arnold walk away into the boat and the line of guests, all distinguished diplomats, just stand there. There is no one to greet them. Prince Charles stands with his hand outstretched as Jesse and Arnold walk away.
Cut to the pier with more people entering the boat.
Cut to two dark-haired terrorists, Able and Uman watching the people entering the boat.
Able You brought the machineguns this time right?
Uman Yes. I brought the machineguns. Ever since that one time. Just one time I forgot the machineguns and you never let me rest now. "Do you remember the machineguns?" Yes, we have machineguns.
Able Good. I just don't want you to forget the machineguns. If they don't free our people and meet our demands we'll sink the ship and kill them.
Uman Shouldn't we kill them first and then sink the ship? Some might survive if we sink the ship and then kill them.
Able Err…you were trained by Sadam? Idiots they are sending me. "Do we kill them first or do we sink the ship?" If the ship sinks they die, …probably. Whatever happened to the real terrorists?
Cut to the name of the boat on the bow "TermTanic" The boat whistle blows.
Fade out.
Cut to the boat far away from shore. Evening. Cut to a young, shorter, kid like, terrorist Abdule standing at the bow his hands outstretched a la Titanic. The boat is moving at a good clip.
Abdule I’m flying.
Cut to Hulk, Jesse, and Arnold talking.
Hulk The way I figure it, a Republican runs, a Democrat runs, and they usually do, and I run. That makes three of us. So, all I need is a little better than a third of the vote to become President. That should be easy, given how popular I was.
Arnold Just like that?
Hulk Just like that.
Jesse Well, what do you know about national politics?
Hulk Well, what do you know about state politics?
Jesse More than you know about national politics.
Hulk Sure. Just like you think you’d have a chance against me in the ring. I kicked your ass then, and I can kick your ass now, in the ring or in an election.
Arnold Hey, guys. This is a party. Come on…(looking away to bow)
Cut to Abdule at the bow flying.
Arnold (continuing) What the hell’s that kid doing?
Hulk I have no idea.
Jesse You’d never see a real man doing that.
Hulk Not even in a movie.
Jesse, Hulk, and Arnold all nod shake their heads in agreement.
Voice over of the Captain of the boat. Cut engines. Drop anchor.
Cut to Abdule at the bow. As the boat suddenly slows down, his momentum carries him forward, and Abdule goes flying over the bow and into the water. Splash.
Cut to Arnold
Arnold That kid just fell overboard.
Cut to Abdule in the water. He swims and grabs hold of the anchor chain to pull himself up just as the anchor drops. As the anchor drops, some chain is rapidly whipped out, and it encircles Abdule’s foot and the anchor starts pulling Abdule rapidly down.
Cut to Arnold, Jesse, and Hulk.
Jesse I’ll go fish him out. I can see it in the paper now, "Governor Jess saves drowning boy." It’ll be good publicity.
Arnold Well, he’s not drowning. He just fell overboard.
Cut to Abdule being pulled rapidly down.
Jesse Well, You know how the papers exaggerate everything.
Hulk You have guests to attend to, I’ll go get the kid.
Jesse Yeah. Sure. I’m going to let you get the credit. I said, I’d get him.
Jesse turns to go but Hulk grabs his arm.
Hulk You have guests. It would be rude.
Jesse (looking at Hulk’s hand on his arm) You’d better move your hand.
Hulk Or what?
Jesse slams his hand down and grabs Hulk’s hand and pulls it behind Hulk’s back and puts Hulk into a full Nelson.
Jesse Ha. Ha. Who’s the better wrestler?
Hulk Err…
Hulk starts pulling his hands down and Jesse’s grip is broken. Hulk pulls Jesse’s hand and slams Jesse on the back with an elbow, and Jesse hits the floor. Just as Hulk is about to walk away, Jesse grabs him.
Cut to Abdule being pulled down by the anchor.
Cut to Arnold who tries to break up the fight.
Arnold Somebody better go. That water’s cold.
Hulk and Jesse grab Arnold and tag team him. They toss Arnold aside and resume wrestling.
Arnold (to himself) I’ll go pull the kid out myself. It’ll be faster.
Cut to Arnold walking toward the bow.
Cut to Arnold looking into the water.
Arnold Ok. Kid. We’re….SHIT!
Arnold looks shocked as he sees the chain rapidly spewing out of the anchor port, and he doesn’t see the kid.
Arnold jumps into the water and he grabs the chain so he too is being pulled down. Underwater Arnold starts grabbing the chain further down and pulling himself faster toward the kid who he now sees below.
Cut to the kid being pulled and spun around like some sort of fishing spinning lure.
Cut to a big 15 foot muskie fish face looking.
Cut to Arnold pulling himself rapidly down and gaining on the kid. Along side him we see the muskie barely able to keep up but also swimming downward. The muskie tries to take a bite of Arnold. Arnold punches the muskie, and it sort of careens off course and disappears into the water. Now Arnold is at Abdule, and he releases Abdule and starts pulling him up towards the surface.
Cut to Hulk and Jesse still wresting.
Cut to Arnold at the water’s surface. Arnold is shaking, and Abdule is shaking worse from the cold, and they are both coughing. They are helped up onto the boat.
Arnold (to passengers) Get some blankets for him. That water’s freezing.
Doctor It’s ok. I’ve got him. I’m a doctor. I know what to do. (to passengers) Get some blankets for him. That water’s freezing.
Cut to Arnold in his cabin. He is getting dressed into some dry cloths. Arnold looks in the mirror.
Arnold I hope this party ends early. I’m exhausted.
Cut to Arnold in his new suit approaching Hulk and Jesse who are still wresting.
Arnold The kid’s ok. He was rescued. You guys can stop now.
Hulk Who the hell rescued him? I’ll kick his…
Arnold He just pulled himself out. No big deal. (cough)
Jesse Oh, well. We’re not quitting until this is…
Cut to Mary appearing.
Mary What are you guys doing?
Jesse quickly stands up. Hulk is just sitting on the floor.
Hulk I was just showing Jess some of the newer wresting holds.
Jesse Actually, I was showing you.
Mary You weren’t really wrestling? Not at your inaugural?
Hulk and Jesse in unison No. No.
Mary turns and walks away. Jesse follows.
Voice over of Jesse Don’t do me like this darling. You know I need it. We were only clowning around.
Hulk Oh, well. Maybe, someone else will fall overboard.
Arnold I hope not.
Hulk I’d never tell that little pipsqueak this, but I’m tired. I’m getting too old for all this action. I need to get myself a nice desk job.
Arnold helps Hulk up.
Arnold Me too.
Fade in fancy dining and everyone is talking inside the boat. We see Uman walk by, and he eyes several men who nod back.
Hulk (to Jesse) Well, I've got to be going. I have a seminar to attend on "How to win elected office for actors and ex-wrestlers"
Jesse But, we're on a boat! Besides the swimsuit contest is just about to start.
Hulk Sorry. I got to be going. Seminar starts at eight.
Hulk jumps into the water and starts swimming away from the boat.
Jesse The guy's an idiot. We’re sixty miles off shore.
Arnold He'll probably be our next president.
Jesse Well. We got a swimsuit contest to attend.
Just then we see a helicopter approaching the boat from the distance. It is racing toward the boat. There is a helipad on the boat so the helicopter can land.
Cut to Uman
Uman Is that ours? Reinforcements?
Able No. I don't know who it is.
Uman What if they discovered us? What if it's Harrison Ford?
Able Calm.
Cut to the helicopter landing on the pad. Out steps President Bill and First Lady Hillary.
Jesse I'll be damned. It's…
Mary …The President dear.
Jesse (to wife) …I know it's the President. I mean this is really an honor. The President stopping by just to wish me luck on my governorship. It makes me feel all warm inside.
Bill approaches.
Bill Jesse. Just wanted to come and wish you well.
Jesse Thank you.
Everyone has stopped and is gathered around the President.
Bill Well, as you wrestlers say "party on." Don't stop what you were doing just for me.
Jesse Wrestlers don't say that. We were just about to have a swimsuit contest. We'd be honored if you’d be an honoray judge.
Bill Sure.
Hillary glares at Bill as Jesse walks away.
Bill (confidentially to Hillary) I didn't know they were having a swimsuit contest. Honest. I just got roped into it.
Hillary I don’t believe it. You bring me on this crummy boat to gawks at girls. Not enough coming to the White House anymore? I mean God, don't you stop to think for one minute how this makes me feel? Following around my horny husband as he gawks other women.
Bill Well, if you'd start giving it to me again….
Hillary Yeah, sure, just as soon as Kenneth Starr becomes objective.
Cut to Uman and Able watching Bill and Hillary.
Able This changes things.
Uman We aren't going to hijack the boat? We'll just watch the swimsuit contest and go home?
Able No, of course, we're going to hijack the boat. But the President of America is on the boat. No secret service. No guards. This is incredible luck for us, Uman. Check your book. How many terror points do we get for kidnapping the President of the United States?
Uman pulls out a little coupon book and he starts leafing through it.
Uman Oh my Allah! A hundred and seventy seven thousand and ten points!
Able We'll be famous.
Cut to Bill sitting down on the front row in front of a stage inside the boat. He is getting really close to the stage. A beautiful lady in a swimsuit walks out onto the stage and Bill watches her.
Diplomat in second row I love public service.
Narrator of swimsuit contest And our next model Cindy in a two-piece thong by Victoria's Secret. And, what is your great ambition Cindy?
Cindy Well, I'd like to end world hunger. Establish peace in the middle east and get laid by the next governor of Minnesota.
The narrator bows and hands Cindy the microphone, and she starts lip singing to the song "Damn, I wish I were your lover," (by Stephie B. Hawkins, I believe) and pointing to Jesse. Cut to Jesse laughing at his table. Mary looks hurt, and she gets up and leaves the table. Jesse jumps up and goes after her and catches her just outside on the deck.
Jesse Mary, come on. You know you're the only one I love and want. Nothing’s going to change that. It doesn’t matter if I'm governor or president or master of the universe.
Suddenly there is shouting. voice over, "Everybody put your hands up. You move over there" from inside the cabin, and there is some screaming and shouting mingled with the music.
Cut to inside the cabin. Armed men are everywhere pushing diplomats and other hostages and telling them to sit down.
Cut to Cindy in her swimsuit still standing there singing. She’s looking miffed that her number is being interrupted and that Jesse isn’t there.
Cut to three terrorists, Terrorist Abdule, the younger guy, and two others who are older just standing there frozen and looking at Cindy, but not doing their jobs of securing her. Cindy just stops singing, lowers the microphone and looks around. Then she just stands there. Only the three terrorists and Bill are watching.
Cut to Able looking over at them and Cindy.
Able Ah. Oh…
Able runs over toward Cindy and on his way he grabs a large beach towel that is lying around.
Able (continuing) Shameful, how women dress in your country.
Able quickly wraps the towel around Cindy’s head covering her hair. Then he pulls some of the towel across her face so it too is covered. Only her eyes are exposed and peer through. We still see the rest of her body, from the chest down in a swimsuit. The two older terrorists give a sigh of relief and lead her to sit down. Terrorist Abdule is still just standing there mesmerized.
Able (to Abdule) You have never seen a naked woman before, Abdule? (Able laughs) Don’t worry, when you are old and married, you will see a naked woman. Now go take your position….if you have impure thoughts at night take a cold shower. (Able laughs)
Able walks away. Abdule smiles a bit. Abdule is holding his machinegun at chest level. He looks down and suddenly lowers his machinegun to groin level, and he quickly looks back up. He starts slowly walking away with the machinegun low and covering his groin region looking embarrassed.
Cut to outside on the deck.
Terrorist 1 approaches Jesse who is talking to his wife still.
Terrorist 1 (to Jesse) Get inside the cabin now.
Jesse I'm trying to talk to my wife here, do you mind?
Terrorist 1 Get in the cabin now.
Wham! Jesse punches the guy, and the guy flies to the floor out cold.
Jesse (to his wife) You know I love you.
Mary I think that man had a gun.
Jesse Let's not change the subject. We’re all right you and I? Right?
Cut to inside the cabin. Everyone is being gathered by the terrorists, into a group, who are pointing submachine guns at them.
Able Everyone get over there. We are heavily armed, and you are now our hostages. If you do what we say you will not be hurt. If you don't do what we say you will be hurt.
Bill (to himself) This doesn’t mean we're going to cancel the rest of the show does it?
Able (to Uman) Uman, secure the helicopter. Be sure no one can get near it. Place the explosives on the hull. If anything goes wrong, we'll blow up the boat.
Uman walks out on deck just as Terrorist 1 is coming to and Jesse and Mary are walking back into the main cabin. Fifteen terrorists are all pointing machineguns at Jesse and Mary as they enter.
Mary (to Jesse) I think we're in trouble dear. Look at all the guns.
Jesse I think it's just the NRA contingent.
Terrorist 2 Sit down now.
Jesse But I could be wrong.
Jesse and Mary sit down with everyone else.
Jesse What do we do now?
Able We wait.
Cut to U.S. Command Central. A man in military uniform rushes in.
Soldier 1 Sir, the President has been kidnapped. He is being held aboard a boat by…
General (looking at his computer screen) I hate Windows 98. I can't find my e-mail. I must have e-mail. Gets me so pissed I want to kill someone.
Soldier 1 The President.
General What? The President called? We get to kill someone?
Soldier 1 No, the President has been kidnapped by terrorists. He's being held on a boat on Lake Superior just off of Minnesota.
General What are you talking about? You’re thinking of Harrison Ford, a film, soldier, the President kidnapped on a plane not a boat. Get your facts together private. Don't mix up reality with movies, it’s not a good thing for a soldier to do.
Soldier 1 No sir it's real. Minnesota's Governor elect, Jesse the body, was having a party on a yacht. Bill dropped in.
General Nonsense. The body? What’s that?
Soldier 1 The guy was some sort of a wrestler or something.
General Bodies. Were there naked women on the boat?
Soldier 1 I don't know, sir.
General I bet that's it. Sound the alert. Our President has been abducted. Find out what you can on this Jesse chick. I bet she's in on it.
Fade out. Cut back to the boat cabin. Everyone is sitting around. Night. Arnold appears to be drunk. Arnold stands up and starts walking toward the door.
Able Where do you think you are going? Sit down.
Arnold I need to use the little men’s room.
Able Hold it.
Arnold That's easy for you to say, you haven't had six beers in the last half hour. (confidentially) Really, I need to piss. Bad. Have some mercy.
Able gestures two of his men.
Able Take him to the head.
Arnold Thank you.
Able Wait. Do I know you? You look familiar.
Arnold I don’t think so.
Arnold turns and walks away, then Arnold turns back to Able and looks at him.
Arnold I'll be back.
Able Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
Cut to the two men walking Arnold to the head. He is stumbling. They get to the door and Arnold starts to go in.
Terrorist 1 Hurry up.
Arnold It might take a while. A lot of beer.
The door closes, and we hear the sound of someone pissing really heavily. Almost as a jet stream of water coming out of a garden hose and into the toilet. Voice over Arnold letting out a big sigh of relief. One guard smiles. They chuckle. They wait, but the hose continues. They wait a bit longer.
Cut to Uman approaching Able in the main cabin.
Able Did you secure the helicopter?
Uman Yes.
Able Good. How about the explosives, are they placed?
Uman (quietly) I forgot the explosives. Sorry.
Able (almost about to shout, but then he catches that he doesn’t want anyone overhearing and he is quiet.) You forgot (now quietly) the explosives! Damn Uman. How the hell do we sink the boat without the explosives? This is worse than forgetting the machineguns.
Uman It is not a problem. I've figured a way to sink the boat. We will toss the helicopter overboard after tying it to the boat. The helicopter will sink and pull the boat with it.
Able The helicopter is already on the boat, and the boat is not sinking. I think there is a flaw to your thinking. It's a stupid idea.
Uman It is not stupid. It's a mathematical certainty that the boat will sink. I've worked it out. If we scuttle the helicopter at the very bow of the boat, the helicopter will sink, and it will pull the bow with it, tipping the bow just enough so that if we open the hatches at the bow, the water will pour into the boat. As the water pours in the boat will sink.
Able I don't see how the helicopter will sink the boat. The boat is already supporting the weight of the helicopter.
Cut to Terrorist 1 and Terrorist 2 still waiting for Arnold. We still hear the spraying and Terrorist 1 shakes his head. Terrorist 2 looks at his watch.
Cut to U.S. Command Central.
The General is briefing his soldiers who are sitting in flight uniforms.
General Here's the situation. And it sucks. From the best we can figure there are twenty armed terrorists holding the President. They are heavily armed. If we make any attempt to storm the boat, they will certainly kill him. There is little we can do. We do have something in our favor, however. Inside the boat is Governor elect of Minnesota, Jesse the body. He's an ex-SEAL. Also aboard the boat is Arnold.
Soldier 2 (in awe) The Arnold?
General The one and only.
Cut to Terrorist 1 and Terrorist 2 still waiting as the spray continues.
Terrorist 1 Enough! Hurry up!
No answer from inside.
Terrorist 1 knocks loudly on the door and opens it. We see the plastic shower spray head broken off of some rubber tubing that is now running from the sink faucet and emptying into the toilet. We also notice that the one-foot diameter porthole is open. Terrorist 1 and 2 run into the head. Terrorist 1 looks at the tubing and the running water. The other looks at the port hole.
Terrorist 2 How the hell did he get through this little hole?
Terrorist 1 and Terrorist 2 look concerned, and just as one starts to look up, BLAM. Arnold drops down on top of them and nails each one with an elbow. They are knocked cold.
Arnold Knew you’d figure it out eventually.
Arnold picks up one of the machineguns.
Arnold And now I have a machinegun. Ho. Ho. Ho.
Cut to Jesse sitting by his wife in the cabin.
Jesse I think this is bad.
Mary We need to get the President out. To safety.
Cut to Bill sitting next to Hillary.
Bill I'm sorry. I didn't know about the bathing suit contest. I suppose you think I knew about the terrorists too?
Hillary You probably did. Something to take the heat off of you. The CIA probably knew about the boat hijacking and you figured, "That'll change the subject."
Bill Hillary, come on. You're starting to sound like a Republican.
Hillary That was uncalled for.
Bill I’m sorry Hillary. I didn’t mean that.
Cut to Uman and Able still debating if the helicopter could sink the boat. There is a chalkboard full of mathematical equations, and a drawing of a boat, and a drawing of a boat broken in half.
Uman See. It's Archimedes' Law that's keeping the boat afloat now. The upward buoyant force supporting the boat is equal to the weight of the displaced liquid. But if we can tip the boat hull through the angle theta, then water will flow into the boat displacing the air with water which has a much higher specific gravity. And as my calculations clearly indicate the weight of the helicopter will tilt the boat by the angle theta as needed.
Able shakes his head and takes the chalk from Uman. And he starts erasing the board with the eraser.
Able No! No! That's not what will happen at all. Watch.
Cut to Jesse getting up slowly as he watches Uman and Able, but they are engrossed in their discussion and don't notice him. The other terrorists just keep their positions.
Mary Be careful darling.
Jesse I will. You want the President rescued right?
Mary Right.
Cut to Arnold stealthily making his way along a corridor in the boat. A terrorist starts coming down the other end and Arnold quickly hides behind a nook. The terrorist walks past the nook and POW Arnold punches him out cold.
Cut to U.S. command headquarters. The General is briefing the other leaders.
General We have surrounded the ship. Cruisers on all sides. Four submarines costing the area. 100 trained SEALs ready to move on the ship if need be. An aircraft carrier standing by. A needle couldn’t get through our net.
Political leader 1 What about the public? Do you think it would endanger the President's life if we had a news conference?
General It seems the terrorists want publicity so I don’t think it would encourage hostility or reaction on their part. They still are in control though. We probably can't rescue the President alive. But if they do kill him, we can kill them all. We could initiate an air strike immediately. And they couldn’t get away. We have them completely surrounded. Like I said, a needle couldn’t get through our net.
Cut to a man with a snorkel pop his head up in the water by the side of TermTanic. He looks around like a SEAL or spy and then he goes back under. But he looks more like a Danny DeVito comedian type rather than a military man. It is an agent of Kenneth Starr.
Cut to Arnold dragging the terrorist into a room where he has the first two tied up. He takes some more cord and ties the third up.
Cut to Uman and Able still arguing about the math.
Uman No. No. Theta is 27 degrees. Where did you learn your math? In America?
Some distance behind Able and Uman we see Hillary talking to Bill. Hillary is looking meanly at Bill and talking to him rapidly. Hillary looks away and then she turns back and starts talking again. We see her mouth moving and her expressions, but we don’t hear what she is saying. Then Hillary coldly turns away from Bill just as we see Jesse watching Uman and Able as he approaches Bill.
Cut to Jesse sitting down next to the president.
Jesse (quietly) We’re going to rescue you. Just stay calm.
Bill No problem. I’m use to her by now.
Jesse Not from Hillary, from the terrorists. As soon as Arnold gets back we’ll make a plan. I wonder what the hell is keeping him.
Cut to two terrorists walking down a corridor in the boat. Out comes two fists. BLAM. BLAM. They are knocked cold. Out steps Arnold. He grabs each by the neck cuff and tosses them over his shoulder. He looks tired. He starts to carry them away.
Cut to the man we saw, Frank, in the snorkel skulking about on the deck. The guy has a beer belly is older, shorter and balding. He has flippers on, a snorkel and a black swimsuit. He exits the deck and into the boat.
Cut to Terrorists walking on the deck with machineguns.
Cut to Arnold entering the room where he is tying up Terrorists. As he drags the two in we see like 30 Terrorists already tied up. Arnold wipes sweat from his brow and starts tying up one of the two he just carried in. They are all gagged.
Cut to Frank still in flippers skulking around on deck. He slips by two Terrorists and peeks his head by a porthole to look inside. We see an empty kitchen. His eyes scan back and forth. He enters the kitchen or galley door.
Cut to inside Frank is pulling food out of the refrigerator. He starts making a sandwich. He is alone. He takes out a pie. And he finds a fork in a drawer.
Frank Umm…Where’s the pop?
Frank hears something and looks at the door. It is dark in the galley and Frank grabs his sandwich, the pie and hides under a table. We see some legs moving near the refrigerator. Frank looks at the pie but notices he has forgot the fork. He looks up at the tabletop and we see the end of the fork dangling over. He slowly reaches up.
Cut to Arnold looking in the refrigerator. He’s pulling out some sandwich stuff just as clink. Frank’s fork falls to the floor.
Cut to Frank’s face tense but he’s still hiding under the table just as Arnold pulls the tablecloth up and looks at Frank in his scuba stuff. Arnold drags Frank out from under the table.
Arnold Who are you?
Frank I’m a…no one….a cook. Yeah. Serving food and stuff.
Arnold looks at Frank’s snorkel and pulls it from his head.
Frank Ok. Ok. I’m not really a chef. I’m a certified ship hull inspector. I was just taking a break.
Arnold grabs Frank.
Frank Ok. Ok. You’re going to find out soon enough.
Frank pulls out a wallet and takes out a business card, somewhat wet.
Frank (continuing) I work for Kenneth Starr, and we were just investigating the President’s actions at this party. Do you mind, if I ask you a few questions?
Arnold The President's been kidnapped! There are freaking terrorists running all over the boat. Didn’t you notice something was a bit odd?
Frank Well, I did kind of wonder why no one was in the kitchen. But I assumed they were at the bathing suit contest. There is a contest, right?
Arnold It was canceled in the middle.
Frank takes out a pocket notebook and a pen.
Frank Before it was cancelled, did you notice any lewd or lewdcedous conduct by the President?
Arnold No. Didn’t you hear me. There are terrorists. I don’t have time for your questions.
Frank Hey. Hey. Hey. I know you have things to do. We all have things to do, but "No my questions can’t wait." I’m an official agent of…
Arnold Do you carry a badge?
Frank I sure do.
Arnold Good. Then carry a gun….follow me.
Arnold tosses a machinegun to Frank.
Cut to Bill talking to Jesse.
Bill I mean at first you start out wanting to be a faithful husband, but gee, they’re so many attractive women out there, and you’re like the President. I…I don’t believe I said that…I mean …I’m just going through a tough period in my life right now, kidnapping aside.
Cut to we see Jesse look away for a moment, and Cindy is giving him the eye. Bill sees her and smiles. Hillary is sitting next to Mary and talking to her and also next to Bill.
Hillary I mean men are all bastards. You just wait.
Cut to a Terrorist eavesdropping on their conversation. He’s leaning in closer to listen.
Hillary Do you mind?
Terrorist Abdule Sorry.
The terrorist walks to the other end of the room and is near Cindy now. He sneaks a quick look at her and then looks away.
Cut to Arnold opening the door to the room where he has like 40 terrorists tied up and gagged. In follows Frank with his sandwich, and machinegun.
Arnold Watch them. If anyone enters this door shoot them. I’ll knock before entering the door and say who I am. Don’t shoot me. Got it.
Frank Yeah. Yeah. Sure I got it… by the way who are you? I never got your name. I’m Frank.
Cut to Arnold just looking at him.
Cut to Cabin where all the passengers are being held.
Hillary (to Mary) I mean I’d like to reconcile but I just don’t know.
Cut to Cindy sitting under a porthole and a bit to the side from it. Across the room is Jesse. Cindy still has the blanket over her face and head. Her eyes look from side to side and she glances at Jesse. She seductively pulls the blanket away from across her face. Only her head is covered and she’s still in a swimsuit. She smiles at Jesse. She’s trying to flirt with him, but he is trying to figure out how to escape. Cindy stretches out her leg and rubs the back of her hand along it. She’s very sexy.
Cut to Jesse still talking to the President who is looking straight ahead, probably at Cindy.
Cut to Cindy a bit miffed that Jesse hasn’t noticed her.
Cut to Abdule sneaking a glance at Cindy and quickly looking away.
Cut to Cindy seeing a bowel of snacks on the table next to her. Cindy’s eye’s scan side to side to be sure to one is watching her. Abdule appears to be looking elsewhere, and so she reaches for a pretzel. She puts it up by her mouth and licks her lips as she covers the pretzel with her hand.
Cut to Abdule turning away. He lowers his machinegun from chest level.
Cut to Jesse sitting with his head in his hands contemplating.
Jesse I don’t know, Bill. I wish Arnold was back. Then we could start thinking about what we’re going to do.
Bink. A pretzel bounces off of Jesse’s face and he looks up and is happy to see…Arnold.
Cut to Porthole across the room. Arnold peeks inside and he sees Jesse on the other side talking to the President. Jesse sees Arnold at the porthole across the room. Arnold is motioning Jesse, and Jesse is discretely trying to motion back and also constantly scanning his eyes for guards. Arnold holds up a machinegun to the porthole just as Jesse looks away, and now Arnold is nodding and Jesse gives Arnold the thumbs up. Arnold doesn’t see Cindy who is sitting right under his porthole, nor does Jesse notice her despite looking in her direction at Arnold. But Cindy thinks she has fully captured Jesse’s attention. Cindy smiles at Jesse and Jesse winks at Arnold.
Cindy (mouthing the words) I want you.
And Cindy draws her hand against her leg and up onto her stomach. She closes her eyes and leans her head back. Jesse’s eyes are looking side to side and he sees the guards aren’t watching then Jesse points to himself. Then he raises his hand a bit and runs the fingers of his other hand like a little man walking. He is trying to signal that he is going to move to Arnold’s porthole. Cut to Cindy laughing a bit and still flirting with Jesse.
Cut to Abdule who is nearly trembling. Abdule breaks for the cabin door.
Cut to Arnold, outside the cabin door, who spins around and makes a fist as he sees Abdule running out of the cabin. But Abdule runs right past Arnold not even noticing him, and Abdule jumps over the side of the boat.
Voice over Splash!
Arnold looks like "what the hell was that all about," and turns back to the porthole. Arnold gives a sign that he is coming around to the other side of the cabin but Jesse thinks Arnold wants him to go to the other side of the cabin. Arnold gives the OK sign through the window and Jesse nods. As this is happening Cindy comes across the cabin and sits down next to Jesse and smiles at him.
Cindy So how do you like being governor?
Jesse Too much work. Excuse me.
Arnold is moving around to the other side of the cabin outside the cabin just as Jesse is moving to the opposite side inside the cabin. They are exactly anti correlated. Jesse goes and sits where Cindy was.
Cindy watches Jesse as he walks away. When Jesse leaves Cindy is sitting next to Bill
Cindy You’re such a flirt…Nice ass though.
Bill (turning to Cindy) So what are you planning to do to get my ass…Oh…Hello there.
Cindy Hello Mr. President. You know I just want you to know that there are a lot of voters out there who support you and who can feel what you’re going through. I mean it’s not like you’re hitting on every woman you meet. I mean you probably just fell in love. It’s not like we haven’t all had affairs. I mean I didn’t meet the right man until the Minnesota Primary. Love at first sight.
Bill looks at Cindy, and she smiles, feels awkward and looks straight ahead not looking at Bill anymore. She is looking across the room at Jesse. She waves to him.
Cut to Jesse at the other end of the cabin waiting alone.
Cut to Arnold just getting near a cabin wall. He listens through it and then he knocks softly with his fist twice on the wall.
Arnold (whispering) Jesse, can you hear me?
Arnold taps on the wall lightly.
Cut to Bill sitting. He bangs his head back against the wall twice lightly.
Bill (to himself) Why does this always happen to me?
Cut to Arnold hearing the light pounding on the wall.
Arnold Ok. Listen carefully.
Cut to inside the cabin on Bill and Cindy. Bill has his eyes closed and is snoring lightly. We hear a muffled voice through the wall but is sounds like it could be coming from Bill. It is Arnold’s voice. The voice startles Cindy.
Voice over Don’t look. Just listen. We need to be discreet. I don’t want to be overheard.
Cut to Cindy looking straight ahead away from the wall and from Bill. She’s the only one listening.
Voice over (continuing) I’ve got some rope and I already have tied up about 40 of them downstairs. I got weapons. See if you can find an excuse to meet me in the head, and I’ll let you have some. Then we’ll really get it on.
Cut to Cindy in shock. She thinks the President is flirting with her while his wife is right next to him. Cindy turns to face Bill.
We see Mary and Hillary talking from a distance. Hillary is sitting next to Bill.
Mary (to Hillary) I don’t know, but I think you can work things out. It’s just a matter of forgiveness and getting on with your lives together. I learned that on Oprah.
Cut to Hillary looking at Bill somewhat affectionately.
Bill yawns and wakes up and smiles at Cindy who is looking at him. Slap! Cindy slaps Bill. Bill turns to look at his wife.
Bill I didn’t do anything. Honestly.
Slap. Hillary slaps Bill.
Cut to Able and Uman at the blackboard full of more new equations.
Able What was that?
Uman What?
Able I thought I heard something.
Uman You just don’t want to admit that I’m right. It’s a mathematical certainty that the ship will sink if we crash the helicopter like I say.
Able Ok. You are probably right. You’re the one with the PhD in physics. Go to work. Prepare to sink the ship.
Uman smiles
Uman So I guess it turns out forgetting the explosives really wasn’t such a big deal after all, now was it?
Able glares at Uman. Uman looks down and quickly exits the room. As Uman is walking away with his head down, he sees a note in his shirt pocket and he pulls it out. He goes back to Able.
Uman I almost forgot.
Able When did you get this?
Uman Yesterday. Secret for you.
Able opens the note and his face drops.
Uman (continuing) What is it?
Able Follow me.
Able leads Uman outside onto the deck. They are on the opposite side of the boat from Arnold.
Able I don’t want the men to hear this. (holding up the note) They think the fox may be aware of our plans. Maybe, he’s on this very boat.
Uman (frightened) The fox? He’s killed twenty of our men. He doesn’t just kill them, he tortures them. He…
Able Calm, Uman. I know the legend of the fox. It’s said he once had three of our men captured. He tortured them. Rather than killing them, he let them go.
Uman Let them go?
Able Yes. Gave them back their guns and they ran into the forest. And, he came after them with just a knife. He killed them all. He toyed with them like a cat and a…
Uman A mouse…
Able Yes. That’s it. A mouse.
Cut to Abdule climbing over the side of the boat and back into it. He is soaking wet and forlorn. Abdule sees Able and Uman, but they do not see him as their backs are turned to him.
Uman And we don’t even know what he looks like. He could be…
Able We will not frighten the men with speculation.
Uman If he’s onboard, Achman, he’s here to kill you.
Able Don’t worry Uman. I am not afraid of the fox. Well, maybe a little. This boat is entirely under our control.
Cut to Arnold still by the cabin wall talking just as we see a terrorist come around the corner and spot him. The terrorist raises his machine gun but Arnold knocks it away. The terrorist quickly takes a karate stance, and Arnold punches him and he falls down out cold. Arnold picks the guy up and starts walking down the corridor cautiously. Another one appears.
Terrorist 2 Hey!
Pow. Arnold knocks him out. Arnold goes back to the wall he was talking to and bends to it.
Arnold (quietly) I’ll be back.
Cut to Arnold carrying two Terrorists Cut to Arnold at the door where Frank is inside with the terrorists. He knocks on the door.
Arnold Frank. It’s me. Don’t shoot.
Arnold opens the door and goes in and he sees one terrorist sitting untied and untagged talking to Frank. They are sitting on chairs across from each other. All the other terrorists are gone. Frank’s machinegun is sitting on his lap. Frank is wearing reading glasses.
Frank Ok. Now when you first saw Bill….
Arnold Where did they all go!
Frank Oh hi. Glad you’re back. Did you bring me some more? You know these guys haven’t been too helpful. Maybe, you could start to bring back some of the contest models.
Arnold What? Where did all my prisoners go?
Frank Who? I don’t know. I was just taking the opportunity to interview them.
Arnold You untied them!
Frank Yeah. They couldn’t talk when they were gagged.
Arnold You didn’t have to untie them also!
Frank I guess not. I figured they’d be more cooperative that way. You know sometimes a friendly approach works better than force. But then again maybe it’s the machinegun.
Terrorist 1 (to Frank quietly) Are we done now?
Frank Yeah. No more questions.
Terrorist 1 (quietly) Thank you. I’ll be going then.
Frank Ok. Bye.
Terrorist 1 starts to slyly stand up, and turns to go, but Arnold’s hand comes down on his shoulder. And he is pushed or sits back down. Terrorist 1 sort of looks like, "Shucks. I didn’t get out."
Arnold Do you have any idea how long it took me to capture all them! Now I have to start all over except for the two I just brought…and this one….
Arnold looks behind him and the two he has just brought are gone also.
Arnold Damn! Now I’m losing them too. (to Frank) You have me so frustrated. If you weren’t a Republican…I’d….
Arnold makes a fist and then lowers it. Arnold shakes his head. Terrorist 1 puts his hands up to be tied and Arnold takes out some rope and tosses it to Frank.
Arnold Tie him. This time. Don’t let any go when I bring them.
Arnold is walking toward the door as he says:
Arnold It will probably take me half the night to find forty Terrorists to make up for the ones you let go.
Just then Arnold is at the door and wham. Forty terrorists are pointing guns at Arnold.
Arnold Then again, maybe not.
Fade out.
Cut to Arnold being pushed into the cabin with all the other prisoners. Arnold goes and sits down next to Jesse and takes a deep breath of exhaustion.
Jesse Well, it’s about time you’re back. We have to make a plan on how to rescue the President.
Arnold just looks at Jesse.
Cut to Frank being pushed toward the cabin door. Through a porthole he sees Bill sitting inside.
Frank (to Terrorist pushing him) Bill’s in there. I don’t think I should go in there. We’re not on the best of terms at present.
The terrorist pushes Frank into the room.
Frank (continuing) You sure you couldn’t hold me in another room….
Frank as he enters sees Bill and Bill sees Frank and glares at him.
Frank Hi, Bill. What a coincidence seeing you here…
Bill is about to jump up, but Hillary pushes Bill’s shoulder down.
Hillary If it’s not the little maggot.
Frank No need to get personal. I’m only doing my job. I think I’ll go sit over there with my friends.
Frank goes to the other end of the room and sits near Arnold. Frank smiles at Arnold and Arnold looks away.
Frank Oh. Sure. You go ahead and take it personal too. Some days I just hate my job.
Cut to Able
Able Everyone shut up. We’re on TV.
Cut to a news briefing. A general, Edwin Powel, is giving the briefing.
Powel Hello. Tonight at 6:00 the President of the United States along with several other noted dignitaries was kidnapped by terrorists. They are being held aboard a luxury yacht on Lake Superior. We are doing all we can to see that the President and all other hostages are released unharmed. Are there any questions?
Journalist 1 Do you plan to negotiate with the terrorists?
Powel No comment. We don’t want to say anything that could endanger the President.
Journalist 2 Are you planning a military response?
Powel A team of over 100 SEALs stands ready if needed. But again we don’t want to get into specifics.
Journalist 3 Are any other military actions planned? Do you know who or what country is responsible for the hijacking?
Powel Air strikes are planned against Iraq.
Journalist 1 Iraq!? Is Iraq involved in the hijacking?
Powel To the best of our knowledge we don’t know who is responsible.
Journalist 2 Then why the air strikes on Iraq?
Powel Well, you know, when in doubt…
Journalist 1 Is it true that the yacht seized was Arnold’s and that he is on board?
Powel Yes. That is true.
Cut to the seized yacht. Everyone is watching the TV.
Jesse (to Mary) They didn’t even mention me.
Mary Well, dear, the President is on board.
Jesse They mentioned Arnold. Why not me? That just doesn’t seem fair. I mean, after all, it is my inaugural.
Mary Maybe, they’ll mention you in the next news briefing dear.
Cut to Able. Able (to himself) They didn’t mention our demands. They were supposed to mention our demands. (to Terrorist 1) Go get Uman.
Cut to a Superior Bar in Minnesota. Night. It’s by Lake Superior. The area is isolated except for some pick up trucks and the bar, with a big sign "Superior Bar" and there is a big muskie stuffed outside of the bar. We see the lake and large waves and we see something in the water. It’s small relative to the huge lake, but as it gets closer to the shore it is clear it is a man swimming.
Cut to a man getting out of the water and walking onto the sandy beach. It is Hulk. He is exhausted. He walks toward the bar and looks at the Muskie, and he goes inside. He is soaking wet and freezing.
Customer 1 (all customers are talking Minnesotan) Yeah. I just don’t believe it.
Customer 2 Yeah. Yeah. What’s the world coming to?
Customer 1 I don’t know. But at least Arnold is on board.
Customer 2 Yeah. But what can he do against fifty?
Customer 1 I don’t know. It is Arnold.
Cut to a Customer 3 approaching Hulk
Customer 3 (to Hulk) You’re all wet.
Hulk grabs him
Hulk What are you calling me?
Customer 3 You are wet and…
Hulk (sneezes) Achoo!
Customer 3 God Bless you.
Hulk A God thank you. I must have swam ten miles. My arms have never been this tired.
Customer 3 You’re not from around here are you?
Hulk No.
Customer 3 Yeah. I didn’t think so. Have a nice day.
Hulk sits down at a table.
Cut to a waitress approaching the freezing cold and wet Hulk.
Hulk A beer. And a sandwich. What kind of sandwiches do you have?
Waitress We have a great submarine sandwich.
Hulk No. No. Nothing to do with water.
Waitress Turkey?
Hulk Yeah. Make it turkey. Bring ten. I’m hungry.
Waitress I guess.
Hulk exhaustedly puts his head on the table.
Customer 1 Yeah, Arnold has a big boat.
Customer 2 Must have been out Muskie fishing.
Customer 1 Yeah. You need a big boat for the muskie. The President kidnapped. I just don’t believe it.
Customer 2 Yeah. Me neither. And Jesse too. Right here in Minnesota. Not more than a hundred miles from where we are right now.
Customer 1 Yeah. That’s big news for around here. Bigger than the Lutifisk festival even.
Cut to Hulk looking up.
Waitress brings Hulk his drink and sandwiches and Hulk slams them down.
Hulk (to waitress) What’s this about the President kidnapped?
Waitress Didn’t you see the news?
Hulk No. I’ve been swimming.
Waitress Swimming! Well. The President and Jesse and Arnold too have all been kidnapped by terrorists. Somewhere right out there on Superior.
Hulk I don’t believe it. I was there.
Waitress Yeah. My mom too. She went to see them off. But don’t worry. Jesse and Arnold can handle a few dozen terrorists. I mean come on. Those terrorists had to have brain damage to hijack a boat full of ex-SEALs and Arnold. I’m sure everything will turn out. They’re probably kicking terrorist butt right about now.
Hulk Yeah you’re probably right. They can handle it.
The waitress walks away, and Hulk starts eating like crazy.
Cut to Arnold and Jesse playing cards back at the boat.
Arnold Go fish.
Jesse Darn it. I never win anything.
Cut back to the bar in Minnesota
Customer 1 Yeah. I just don’t believe it. You think Arnold can handle them.
Customer 2 Yeah, You betcha.
Customer 1 Yeah. If Arnold saves the President they’ll elect him the next President I bet.
Cut to Hulk. He lifts his head from the sandwich. That got his attention.
Customer 2 Nah. You’re wrong there. He can’t be President.
Customer 1 Huh? Why not?
Customer 2 Arnold wasn’t born in the U.S.
Customer 1 So?
Customer 2 It’s the law. You need to be born here to run for President. Didn’t you know that?
Customer 1 No. I didn’t by golly. But they change the laws all the time.
Customer 2 That’s true. You know I ordered from Cabala’s on-line. Got some Repala lures and a depth finder. I saved $10.72 on sales tax.
Customer 1 That’s a good savings.
Customer 2 Yeah. But they’re thinking of changing the law to tax internet sales, you know. Like you said they change the laws.
Customer 1 Good you ordered early. So, maybe, Arnold could be President someday.
Customer 2 You’re rightty there. Boy. Or if Jesse saves him he’ll be a shoo in for President
Customer 1 Do better than Mondale at least.
Customer 2 Yeah. No doubt.
Voice over of Customer 1 What kind of depth finder did you get?
Cut to Hulk pondering the overheard conversation. He takes out a soaking wallet and a wet bill and places in on the table.
Cut to Hulk getting up. He walks out of the bar. Cut to Hulk diving back into the Lake and he starts swimming away from shore.
Cut to Bill watching Frank. Frank is reading a Rush Limbaugh or other Republican book.
Bill (to himself) Little piece of pecker wood. Little putrid pecker. I’ve had enough of him and his following me around.
Suddenly, Bill had jumped up and he lunges across the room at Frank. Frank runs away.
Bill (shouting) I’m going to kill you, you little runt.
Frank runs behind a terrorist. Wham! Bill punches a terrorist and another. Frank’s glasses fall off in the scuffle.
Arnold Damn look at him go. If he survives this and gets impeached, maybe, we could do a movie together.
Cut to Cindy looking at Frank’s glasses.
Able fires his machinegun into the air.
Able Enough. Sit down. Or We will kill you all right now.
Frank picks up his reading glasses and puts them in his pocket.
Frank (acting tough like he’s ready to fight now) He started it. (to Bill) Like it’s my fault you got kidnapped.
Bill is lead back to his seat at the other end of the room and Frank sits down. The terrorist guard is about to walk away.
Frank You better stay here. I might try to escape or something.
Cut to Terrorist Abdule walking up to the wall by Arnold, and then he leans against it. Abdule has a machinegun.
Abdule Thank you for saving my life.
Arnold You’re with them?
Abdule Yes.
Arnold Your leader…
Abdule Able Achman.
Arnold Yes. He’s going to kill us all. You know that don’t you? The U.S. forces will have this boat surrounded so you can’t escape unless….
Abdule I won’t help you. Sorry. Achman is a great fighter and defender of our people. I will be honored to die with him…You’re an actor?
Arnold When I was younger.
Abdule Maybe, he will let you go if I ask. For saving me and for being an actor.
Fade out.
Uman enters the cabin.
Able Is the boat ready to sink? If they don’t mention our demands on the next newscast we will sink the boat and kill everyone.
Uman I can’t find any rope to tie the helicopter to the boat. I looked everywhere.
Able Shit.
Jesse (to Arnold) And they say I lack leadership. Damn Pioneer Press Paper. I mean if I were the terrorist I’d just use the chain that attaches the boat’s anchor.
Cut to Uman snapping his fingers, and then he leaves the cabin.
Arnold We got to teach you how to be a real politician, Jesse. Otherwise you’re just going to get yourself in trouble. To lie and cheat and to…hey, Bill can you come over here?
Cut to Bill talking with a lady.
Cut to Able turning up the volume on the TV. There is coverage of the kidnapping. A group of political pundits are talking.
Pundit 1 You know. I really don’t think the President has been abducted.
Anchor So you think it’s all a hoax?
Pundit 1 Of course. Bill’s running. He’s hiding. He’s trying to turn the attention away from his indiscretion. There aren’t any terrorists on Lake Superior. It’s all tactics to delay the hearings. I say we do what must be done and toss that lying cheating Democrat out of office whether or not he survives the supposed abduction.
Pundit 2 You see. This is the problem with the Republicans. It’s times like this where the country should ban together and toss all political issues aside. But through their lens it’s all just a political opportunity. I say we just concentrate on the issue at hand and that’s freeing the President.
Pundit 1 That’s unfair. There is no doubt that the country is united behind rescuing the President. And, especially, Arnold. But it’s not like we Republicans kidnapped the President. In fact, it’s been reported that there were over forty nude females aboard the boat. It really makes one wonder what Bill was doing there in the first place. I doubt a God fearing family values man, a Republican, would have gotten himself into the same mess. Bill creates his own problems.
Cut to Bill watching the TV
Bill (to Terrorist) There aren’t forty nude women on board are there?
Bill twitches his neck a bit.
Voice over And now a word from our sponsors…
Cut back to the TV. Bob Dole is doing a commercial. He is dressed in shorts and playing doubles tennis with three beautiful girls. He returns the tennis ball, and it hits the other side of the court and wins his team a point. The girl he is teamed with cheers and hugs him and he grabs her and then her ass. The other girls jump over the net and he hugs and gropes them. Dole raises his fist in victory and looks into the camera.
Dole When I ran for President they said I was old and boring. And maybe I was back then. I was after all pushing 100. But look at me now! (he shows his arm muscle) I’m stronger than ever. More active. And yes, my sex life has improved a tremendous deal. In fact, I’m getting laid three times a week. And this for a guy who hadn’t had sex since 1954. I know you’re asking "Bob. What’s your secret?" In one word VIAGRA. It’s changed my life. It can change yours and with minimal side effects.
Dole twitches a bit and we cut to the cabin where the terrorists are watching TV
Able What is this shit? They were supposed to mention our demands and we get this firing line type shit. Uman let’s kill some hostages to show we are serious.
Uman (who was also watching) Where can I get this Viagra?
Able Are you ready to sink the boat?
Uman I forgot to get the keys to the helicopter. I need to start the helicopter to crash it.
Able and Uman walk up to a guy in a flight uniform. The one who flew the President in.
Cut to Jesse watching the TV set
Jesse They still haven’t mentioned me.
Mary It could be worse dear.
Jesse How?
Able (to flight guy) Give me keys to the helicopter.
Flight Guy Over my dead body.
Able Not a problem.
Able draws his pistol and shoots the guy, and the guy falls dead.
Able (to Uman) Get the keys and prepare to sink the boat.
Everyone is watching in silence except for Jesse who is leaning in toward the TV
Jesse They still aren’t mentioning me.
Everyone looks at Jesse, and Jesse realizes it and looks up.
Jesse What?
Hillary A man has just been shot.
Jesse I know that. I’m aware of what’s going on. I’m not incognizant like the papers keep claiming. The man shot is the pilot of the helicopter. The terrorist wants the keys so he can sink the ship and kill us all. I mean if I could have saved the guy I would have but I couldn’t so I don’t see why I should need to go and interrupt my TV watching. Besides. It’s clear their calculations are off and it will take longer for the ship to sink. Theta should be 25 degrees. These terrorists are idiots. Why sink the boat to kill us all when with all their machineguns they can just…
Arnold slaps his hand over Jesse’s mouth and Arnold smiles sheepishly.
Cut to Able’s reaction contemplating.
Able (to terrorist 1) Throw the body overboard.
Jesse But, I didn’t do….
Mary Not you, dear. The dead body.
Jesse Oh.
Cut to two terrorists dumping the body into the water. We see blood going away from the body and into the water.
Cut to U. S. command headquarters. A man, Al Gore, in a suit rushes in and stands in front of the general. The general is calmly folding a paper airplane, and he tosses it across the room.
General Hee. Hee..
Al Gore The demands weren’t mentioned on the newscast. That means they will start killing hostages. Do you think they’re bluffing?
General Relax, you’re making me nervous scurrying about so much. No they’re not bluffing. I think. But we don’t negotiate with terrorists. You’re on a need to know basis, and you didn’t need to know.
Al But I’m vice President! Acting leader of the country.
General (kicking his feet up) So what? Reagan was President for eight years, and he never needed to know. Relax. Even as we speak the hostages have been rescued. We sent in a crack team of special op commandos to rescue Arnold and the President. It was perfectly timed to coincide with the time we didn’t mention the demands.
Al You mean they are saved! That’s great!
General Well, either that or dead. If you want I can look into it.
Fade out. Cut to a black rubber sleek raft speeding through the water. Aboard are ten commandos armed with silenced submachineguns. The commander is younger and there is a Sergeant more experienced aboard also.
Commander Cut the motor.
The roaring motor is off, and the craft glides some distance under the momentum.
Commander We will row in the rest of the way. That way they won’t hear us.
The boat comes to a stop and the commander continues
Commander (to commando 1 who is in diving gear) Scout the area to the boat. Check for land mines. Check for nets. Underwater surveillance or scouts. Anything set up to deter us. (looking at his watch) Do it fast. I think we’re behind schedule by 4 seconds. (looking at his watch) 5 seconds, 6 seconds hurry. We’re getting farther behind. (to commando 2) Dig out the oars.
We see a black oar come up with a gold Special Forces emblem on the paddle. The emblem could almost be mistaken for a fishing spinner used as bait…
Commando 1 falls backwards overboard and everyone else except one soldier, Truffalo, has high-tech headphone, microphone-earphone communication device headsets on. Truffalo also has a grenade hanging from his chest or shoulder.
Sergeant Ok, men. Let’s test audio. Sound off. Thompson?
Thompson (into his microphone) Coming through loud and clear Sergeant.
Sergeant Malloy?
Malloy I hear ya Sarge.
Sergeant Truffalo?
Cut to Truffalo who doesn’t have his head set communication device on.
Truffalo I hear you Sarge.
Cut to reaction shot of the Sergeant who looks at Truffalo and points his finger to his own head. He is signaling Truffalo to put his headset on. But Truffalo doesn’t get it, and Truffalo points his own finger up by his head and emulates his Sergeant. Truffalo looks like he is thinking and sharing some secret bond with the Sergeant, and he nods along with the Sargent.
Sergeant Try it with your headset on.
Truffalo makes an "Oh" expression. The Sergeant shakes his head.
Malloy Two percent unemployment.
Sergeant Hicks?
Cut to a young black guy bobbing his head around and singing along in high pitch with Natalie Imbruglia’s song Torn which is playing over his headset.
Hicks "This is how I feel. I’m Ashamed and lying naked on the floor…Illusions never change into something real…I’m wide awake and I can see I’m Torn."
Sergeant Somebody get Hicks on the right frequency.
Cut to inside the cabin. Cindy is raising a glass and taking a drink. The glass has a little gold etched design on it. Cindy is sitting next to Frank. Cindy now has the blanket wrapped around her body, and we can see her face and head only.
Cindy This party blows.
Frank Yeah. I could be home watching Friends reruns. But, no. Here I am about to get killed.
Cindy And, I mean Jesse hasn’t even spoken to me once this evening.
Frank Are you and him?
Frank does a little pumping motion with his hands.
Cindy No. I mean not yet anyway.
Frank So you’re just like a groupie?
Cindy I resent that term. It has all sorts of derogatory connotations.
Frank I never derogatorily connotate nobody. I learned that in my diplomacy and investigation seminar. That’s one of the things that makes me so successful at my job. You know sometimes a kind word, a bit of understanding, being able to relate to someone else’s feelings will get you farther than being obnoxious or aggressive.
Arnold Tell that to the terrorists.
Frank Do you mind? This is a private conversation.
Arnold looks away and back at Jesse who is still watching the TV. Cindy looks Frank straight in the eyes.
Cindy Are you trying to flirt with me?
Frank I just think two in a conversation is plenty. That’s all.
Cindy Cause I don’t mean this offensively or anything. But I’m just not into short older balding guys with beer bellies. I don’t go for that "I’m a sweet sensitive guy with a good job" pick up line.
Frank It wasn’t a pick up line. I got news for you babe. Not every short, old, balding guy with a beer belly you meet is trying to hit on you.
Cindy (taking another drink) Most of them are too shy.
Frank That’s not the point. You look at guys like them (Frank motions to Arnold and Jesse who are drinking beers and watching the TV. Arnold belches.) and you think if there is any chance of getting one of them you won’t give real guys like me a second look. You know some of us short beer belly guys are really fun and good people. Maybe, you should try dating one of us sometime and then you wouldn’t be sitting at a boring party getting bombed because you’re lonely and can’t get your dream man. (mainly to himself) I mean what do they got that I don’t got?
Arnold looks over at Frank and smiles.
Frank Don’t look at me like that. You’re not so tough. I’ve had three years of Aikido and I'm on my third Tae-Bo Video. I could take you. Go back to your TV. Maybe they’re mentioning your great rescue attempts. Like you’ve done anything to try and save us.
Arnold looks a bit pissed, then he looks around at all the armed terrorists and then back at his TV.
Cindy I dated a really short guy once.
Frank Really?
Cindy In many ways he was a really great guy. And I’m not saying this offensively or anything. But you remind me of him. The only reason we broke up was that he had this short-guy chip on his shoulder. He just seemed so angry at everyone and that he had to show how tough he was. Kept bumping into taller guys, mostly assholes, and then he’d scurry away from them like a mouse. I didn’t mind that. I mean why fight a moron?
Frank Exactly.
Arnold (interrupting) Unless they’re trying to kill you.
Frank (to Arnold) Hey. Hey. You have your own party. (to Cindy) No. Go ahead continue.
Cindy But then I had to keep hearing about how he could have kicked that guy’s ass, and he was this karate expert.
Frank (softly) Tie kwan do actually.
Cindy It’s like all short guys have this Billy Jack fantasy. It just got too much. And then of course, there was that other short guy hang up.
Frank What other short guy hang up?
Cindy Oh you know.
Frank shakes his head "no"
Cindy (continuing) The whole size thing. Or lack of it. He was so obsessed he might just have a tiny penis and wouldn’t be able to satisfy me. Thought I’d cheat on him. Find a bigger guy. He was so jealous. Wanted to know where I was all the time. Real insecure. It’s like he needed reassurance every ten minutes, "Oh. No. You don’t have a small penis." You can’t have a relationship like that. The shame was, we did have really great sex. Not that he was big or anything. Come to think of it he did kind of have a small pecker. Get rid of the chip on his shoulder and the sexual insecurity and who knows, it might have worked out. Too many short-guy hang ups.
Frank How tall was he?
Cindy Five-eight.
Frank Oh. Yeah. Real short.
Terrorist Abdule who is a shorter guy is listening to the conversation and he has a drink in one hand and he is dripping wet.
Terrorist Abdule (to Frank) You’re right. Us short guys don’t get it. The proper respect. I…hiccup…I’m still a virgin. It couldn’t be worse. And, no one will marry me. (to Cindy) Will you marry me?
Voice over of Bill It could be worse. Trust me. You’re young. It could be much worse.
Terrorist Abdule How? I know you’re getting it. It’s all over the news. Hiccup.
Cut to Able looking at terrorist Abdule.
Able What are you doing?
Terrorist Abdule What’d ya mean? I’m trying to say that short guys…
Frank (to Able and Abdule) Hey! Would you guys mind taking it somewhere else? Cindy and I are trying to have a private conversation here.
Able (to Abdule) You’re drinking.
Terrorist Abdule You said we could drink.
Able No. I said they could drink. Not you.
Terrorist Abdule Sorry. It won’t happen again.
Able No it won’t.
Able draws his pistol and points it at Abdule’s head.
Cindy You can’t shoot him. He’s still a virgin.
Cindy and Frank burst out in laugher. And Abdule looks embarrassed. Able lowers his pistol. Cindy stands up and goes over to Abdule.
Cindy Here. I can change that.
Cindy gives Abdule, who looks really excited, a kiss on the cheek.
Abdule Is that all I get?
Cindy Well, you are, after all, one of the terrorists. Bye.
Cindy pats Abdule on the chest and goes and sits back down by Frank. BLAM Able shoots Abdule.
Able (to another terrorist) Throw his body overboard.
Cut to Night. Dark. On the water by the commando raft. Commando 1 climbs out of the water into the boat.
Commander Well? Any mines, security?
Commando 1 No. I didn’t see any security. There is this big freaking fish down there. I think it was sleeping. I mean it was a big freaking fish. The mother of all fish maybe. Goddam prehistoric.
Commander Start rowing us to the ship. Ready men.
Several men cock their submachineguns and ready themselves. We see the black oar with the golden special forces emblem go into the water and some men are rowing on each side. Stroke. Stroke they row. The boat is making progress. There is a stir in the water, and we hear a bit of Jaws type music. But it’s soft so we barely hear it.
Commando 2 (quietly) What was that?
Commando 3 What?
We hear a bit more of the Jaws type music and see a slight ripple on the otherwise clear water.
Commando 2 I thought something bumped the raft.
Commando 3 Nonsense.
Stroke. Stroke. They row. We see the emblem on the paddle going into the water and coming back out and making a rhythmic sound as they row. Crunch. The oar goes in the water and out comes just the stick end all chewed up.
Commando 2 What the hell was that? Commander.
Commander What the?
Crunch. The oar on the other side is gone. All that remains is a chewed up end.
Commando 1 You don’t think?
Commander Keep rowing.
Crunch. Another oar goes. We see another ripple in the water.
Commando 2 How big did you say that fish was?
Commander We are trained Special Forces commandos. We are heavily armed. We are not going to be intimidated by some overgrown fish.
Crunch. The last oar is eaten. Commander grabs his silenced submachinegun.
Commander (to fish) All right. I’ve had just about enough of you.
The commander fires the silenced Submachinegun into the water near the ripple. There is another ripple and another soldier opens up with his silenced submachinegun. We see the water shot up. But it happens quietly. Then everyone opens up and all the water in every direction is shot up. In all the excitement, Truffalo stands up pulls his grenade out of its shoulder holder, pulls the pin, brings his arm back and is about to throw it into the water just as the big hand of the Sergeant clasps Truffalo’s grenade and hand. The Sergeant puts the finger of his other hand over his mouth to convey "quiet."
Sergeant Shu…this is a quit mission. Gi…Gi…Give me the pin.
Truffalo gives the Sergeant the pin, and the Sergeant fumbles with it but reinserts it into the grenade, and then the Sergeant puts the grenade back into the vest of Truffalo. Just as this is happening the silenced machinegun fire stops.
Commander That’ll be the end of that.
Commando 2 We kicked that fish’s butt.
Commander (continuing) Dig out the back up oars.
Truffalo (pouting, to himself) Why’d they give us the grenades if we weren’t supposed to use em?
They are reloading their weapons and complimenting themselves on getting the fish. Two commandos do an elbow bump of tough guy camaraderie. Bump. Bump. The music. Several men clutch their weapons.
Commando 3 It can’t be. He couldn’t have survived. How big did you say…
Commando 2 pulls out a pump action spear gun from behind his back and readies it.
Commando 2 For Costeau encounters.
Wham! Something unseen hits the rubber raft and the raft spins around.
Commander We need back up. I’m calling for help. We’re aborting the mission.
The Commander picks up the microphone part of the radio set.
Commander (into radio) Mayday. Mayday. Operation Desert Bobber.
Sergeant Sir. We don’t need back up. It’s just a fish. We can deal with it.
Commander I may be young but I am in command. (into radio) Hello?
Cut to the butt of the Sergeant’s silenced machinegun smashing the radio. Smash. Smash. Smash falls the butt of the gun smashing the radio.
Commander Well that’s just great! Now what are we going to do? …You’re going to the brig for that. That’s insubordination Sergeant.
Sergeant I’m not aborting a mission due to a fish. We’d be the laughing stock of the entire U.S. military. Like I said, Sir, we can handle this. It’s only a fish.
Wham! A big 15 foot muskie fish head comes out of the water and hits the boat bottom raising it up and then tipping it over. The men spray their silenced submachineguns in panic as they are dumped out into the water. Commando 2 inadvertently discharges his spear gun into the raft and the rubber raft pops like a balloon.
Cut to the helicopter platform. We see anchor chain tied to the helicopter and Uman gets inside. He looks at the keys he has. There are like three dozen on the chain. He tries one, and it doesn’t work. Then he tries another.
Cut to inside the hijacked yacht. The cabin where everyone is being held. In walks Terrorist 3 with a bad full of handcuffs.
Terrorist 3 (to Able) So they won’t get away. They will be pulled down to their everlasting doom. Ha. Ha.
Cut to Hillary talking to Mary. Bill is sitting next to Hillary.
Hillary (to Mary) I think I will give him one more chance. I mean. I know it looks bad. Him cheating and all. But nobody knows what it’s like when it’s just us. The good times. I…I love him…
Hillary reaches over and touches Bill’s face and he smiles affectionately at her. Hillary looks back at Mary, and Mary smiles at her and hands her a Kleenex tissue.
Cut to Able and Terrorist 3 who are right in front of Bill and Hillary now
Able Wait a minute. You brought handcuffs? You mean all this time we had handcuffs to restrain them and only now you dig them out. Terrorist 3 We just found them, Sir, in the President’s suitcase.
Slap. Hillary slaps Bill again.
Terrorist 3 (to Bill) Just kidding. Ha ha ha.
Voice over of Cindy. Well my second husband divorced me. Said he didn’t like that I had to…travel…for my job.
Terrorist 3 (to Frank and Cindy) Hands up.
Frank and Cindy each put a hand up and the terrorist cuffs them to a table. Frank and Cindy continue talking.
Frank What did you do?
Cindy Huh?
Frank Your job. Where you needed to travel.
Cindy Oh. I was in advertising.
Frank (quietly, secretly) I wouldn’t let the terrorists hear it, but I’m glad if I had to be handcuffed, that they handcuffed me by you. I like talking to you.
Cindy So why wouldn’t you want the terrorists to hear that? Are you like a shy guy who doesn’t like to share his feelings? Embarrassed?
Frank No. I figure they’d move me. Notice how they’re careful to handcuff people near other people they can’t get along with? Like Bill and Hillary. I think that’s cause they don’t want anybody talking and planning and scheming how to escape.
Cindy (taking a drink) Armed men all around. You’d have to be an idiot to think we can escape.
Frank We’ll be ok. Cindy. We’ll be ok.
Cut to Jesse and Arnold watching TV. Only they are not really watching the small set, but rather they are planning. Arnold looks down and away from the TV.
Arnold They are holding another group in a cabin below us. Right about where Seinfeld is sitting now. That’s where they are holding the rest of the swimsuit models.
Jesse I forget. Seinfeld’s feet are pointing where? to the bow or the stern?
The TV Seinfeld is sitting watching a TV in the program with his feet pointing toward the TV. Then the TV Seinfeld gets up.
Arnold His feet are pointing down. To the bottom of the sea.
Jesse No. Damn. Before that. He moved. Towards the TV.
Arnold Seinfeld’s TV or our TV?
Jesse Seinfeld’s TV.
Arnold To the bow.
But they mum up as Terrorist 3 approaches them with the handcuffs. Nearly everyone else is handcuffed to some heavy object in the room, mostly furniture.
Terrorist 3 Hands up.
Bang. Something hits the side of the boat hull hard. It sounds like a metal object. Bang. Arnold and Jesse are about to jump up but two terrorists point guns at them.
Terrorist 3 Stay.
Able They are trying to board the boat. Quick. You. You. You. Go up. You. Repel them. See why the boat isn’t sinking. You. You. You. Stay. Guard them. If you see commandos on the deck kill them.
Terrorist 4 The commandos or the hostages?
Able Both.
Able and most of the men rush out of the room. But three guards are left and they all have machineguns.
Cut to the Deck. Terrorists are running toward the noise. And they are positioning themselves low so as not to be seen by anyone below.
Cut to below near the hull of the bigger boat and from the water. We see a little aluminum row boat bang against TermTanic. Inside the row boat are two Minnesota fishermen. Both older guys. Beer bellies. Graying blond hair. One is holding a fishing rod whose line leads under the yacht.
Fisherman 1 (to fish) We’re going to get you now. You. You.
Bang. The rowboat is pulled by the fish, and it bangs the yacht.
Fisherman 2 They won’t like us banging their boat. Very unseaman like.
Fisherman 1 Put the life vest between the boats.
Fisherman 2 Yeah. Good idea.
Cut to at the deck hull.
Able Now!
Suddenly thirty armed terrorists are pointing machineguns down at the little boat.
Terrorist 2 Should we shoot them?
Cut to the fishermen. The line is slack.
Fisherman 1 I think she got away. Damn!
Fisherman 2 looks up and freezes from fear. He sees all the machineguns pointing at him.
Fisherman 2 Bernie?
Fisherman 1 What?
Fisherman 2 points up and Fisherman 1 sees all the machineguns pointing at him.
Fisherman 1 (to himself) Holy mackerel. (calling out) Hello there! Fishing. Didn’t mean to bang your boat.
Cut to Terrorists pushing the fishermen on the deck.
Fisherman 1 (to terrorists) No need to be rude. I said I was sorry about the boat.
Fisherman 2 (to Fisherman 1) I think they’re from New York. Minnesotans would never act like this by golly.
Terrorist 2 Shut up.
Fisherman 1 And you’d better give me my ugly stick back too by golly. Just cause you have guns…
Able (to Terrorist 2) Who are they?
Terrorist 2 They say they are fishermen.
Fisherman 2 We’re sorry about hitting your boat. The muskie, she pulled us right in.
Cut to Jesse and Arnold looking out a porthole watching the fishermen talking to Able and the terrorists on deck. Fisherman 1 is chatting away and then he raises his arms up and stretches them out to show a really big fish. He nods his head. Arnold and Jesse clearly see that the guys are older, and out of shape. Not special forces. One terrorist is off toward the side of the boat playing with the fishing rod like he is thinking of casting.
Arnold (to Jesse) Do you have any idea?
Jesse just shrugs his shoulders.
Cut to Able on deck.
Able (to fishermen) You expect us to believe that stupid story? You didn’t think that we would spot you as trained special forces trying to sneak aboard? (to terrorists) shoot them. (to himself) where is Uman? Why aren’t we sinking yet?
Cut to Uman inside the helicopter. He selects out the last key.
Uman The last. You better work. Key.
Uman puts the key in the ignition and the helicopter turns over. And the helicopter propeller starts to turn
Uman Ha…ah…ha…
Cut to Able entering the cabin.
Able Relax. Men. False alarm.
You know it’s times like these that really get you thinking about your life.
Cut to Arnold watching terrorists blindfolding the fishermen.
Arnold (to Jesse) I think they are going to shoot them.
Jesse (to Able) Who were they?
Able They said they were Minnesota fisherman. They are SAS I think.
Arnold Are you going to shoot them?
Able Of course.
Jesse Don’t be giving him ideas! And you’re criticizing me….
Arnold He’s planning to already. Look.
Jesse looks out the porthole.
Jesse Could I at least say goodbye to them before you shoot them?
Able No. Why?
Jesse Maybe, they voted for me. Please. It’s my duty as governor.
Able Ha. Ha. Jesse the wrestler Governor. You are not qualified to be Governor. This is why we don’t trust democracy in our country.
Jesse Yeah. Well at least I can think of a more creative way to kill them. I’d put them inside of the helicopter before I crashed it.
Able Hum….
Able quickly exits the cabin
Arnold (to Jesse) You’re learning.
But we see the helicopter already lifting off the deck. Uman is flying it unsteadily. Then he jumps out the side of the helicopter as it crashes into the water. Able walks back into the cabin. Able is right in front of Jesse
Able (to Jesse) Too late. (to Terrorist 1) Cuff them. They will sink with the rest.
Just as Able looks away Jesse and Arnold catch a glimpse of each other’s intention. Then they both take action.
Arnold grabs the man who was about to handcuff him and swings the much smaller man around pointing him in the direction of some of the other terrorists. The man still has a machinegun about his neck and just has time to get his hands on it and the trigger. Arnold grabs his hands and forces the terrorist to touch off a machinegun blast killing one terrorist. Then Arnold swings the entire man around in another direction and fires and kills another terrorist.
We cut to Jesse who has punched Able and as Able falls to the floor, Jesse grabs Able’s holstered pistol. Bang. Bang. He shoots a terrorist. Then Jesse swings the pistol at the porthole and blasts it out. He is aiming through the porthole and trying to shoot the men who are about to execute the fishermen. Gunfire from the terrorists on deck rips through the cabin.
Cut to the President and other hostages taking cover. Bill grabs Hillary to protect her.
Cut to Arnold swinging the terrorist around some more and shooting terrorists. It looks like the little terrorist is doing all the shooting, and Arnold is behind him spinning whichever way he needs to shoot.
Arnold (to Jesse) Go. Save the fishermen. I’m ok here.
Arnold is shooting at a door from which several terrorists appear. Jesse runs out the other door shooting the pistol and hitting several of the terrorists who go down. The fishermen take off their blindfolds. The terrorist near the edge of the boat who was playing with the fishing rod tosses the rod down and goes for his machinegun but Jesse shoots him first. Everyone is shooting.
Fisherman 1 See I told you. They weren’t going to shoot us but were only funning around.
Just then as Fisherman 1 can see, he sees the line running on the cast reel and then the rod takes off moving toward the side of the boat. But it catches on the railing of the boat and stops. Line is going out like crazy. Fisherman 1 sees nothing else. And he runs and dives for the rod and he catches it. And he starts playing the fish.
Fisherman 1 We’re back in business by golly.
Fisherman 2 upon taking off his blindfold sees all the gunfire and is about to take cover just as Jesse dives and tackles him to protect him. Jesse rips his shirt a bit and gets a little cut on the forehead as he tackles the fisherman
Jesse Hi. I’m Jesse Ventura. Your new governor.
Fisherman 2 Pleased to meet yah. I voted for you ya know.
Jesse Well thank you very much.
Jesse is shooting in every direction like crazy with the pistol.
Fisherman 2 What’s going on?
Jesse This is my inaugural party. But…
Fisherman 2 You city folks sure throw some wild parties. Maybe, we could go fishing sometime?
Jesse Sure, we’ll do that.
Fisherman 2 is now safe behind cover and Jesse runs after two terrorists shooting at them. He hits one and bends down and picks up the machinegun. When he looks up, he doesn’t see the other terrorist he was chasing.
Cut to Jesse running down the deck. He looks but doesn’t see the terrorist he was chasing anymore. However, he sees an open cabin door. Jesse goes in with his machinegun ready. He swings the machinegun one way and then another as he scouts out the room. Then he lowers his machinegun. The terrorist isn’t in there.
He sees a mirror and looks at himself in it. He is bleeding just a bit from the top of his forehead. He sees his shirt is ripped just a bit, and he looks at it. He looks back at the mirror and reaches up near the sleeve and rips it a bit more and he holds up his machinegun to look at himself in the mirror. He nods his head like "That’s cooler" Then Jesse is about to leave when he sees a dresser in the cabin. Jesse sets down his machinegun and opens the dresser and starts rifling through the clothing. Out comes a black bandanna. In the background we hear massive amounts of shooting.
Jesse goes back to the mirror, and he ties the bandanna around his head a la the real Jesse. He’s looking cool, but…
Jesse I look better in brown.
Jesse starts looking through the dresser but doesn’t find anything. Then he sees a CD player, and he goes to the CD collection. He is rifling through it. Suddenly. Success.
Jesse Awesome…..
Jesse goes to the CD player and pops in the CD. Jesse goes back in front of the mirror and The Rolling Stones "Satisfaction." starts playing. Jesse ties the black bandanna around his head. Jesse starts dancing and bobbing his head with the song and with his machinegun in front of the mirror.
Cut to Able just coming to. He’s lying on the floor, and sees a terrorist lying next to him. The terrorist has a holstered pistol. He looks at the pistol, and he looks over at Bill. Several hostages are released and are armed. Able sees this. Cindy sees Able is alert.
Cut to Arnold using keys to release a hostage. Several are free.
Frank It’s a route. We have um on the run.
Frank and Cindy are still tied up. Cindy reaches over and kisses Frank, and takes his glasses. He looks at her lovingly. Clink. Cindy’s handcuffs hit the floor and she dashes for a pistol she sees.
Frank (continuing) What a woman.
Cut to Arnold using a key to release Bill and Hillary.
Arnold If we can just hold out a little while help will arrive. We’re going to be all right.
Cut to the bow of the boat. We see Hulk swimming rapidly toward the bow and the chain that is leading into the water with the helicopter at the other end.
Hulk I hope I’m not too late. It sounds like I might be too late.
Cut to Fisherman 2 approaching Fisherman 1
Fisherman 2 I just met Governor Ventura. You should go over and say hi.
Fisherman 1 I don’t believe you. You just want to play this fish yourself. But I hooked it, and I’m going to play it.
Fisherman 2 I’m not after your fish.
Fisherman 1 He’s coming! He’s coming! I can feel his weight. Can you feel it? The whole boat is pulling. He’s a biggie.
Cut to the bow side we see water pouring into a porthole. The bow is starting to sink.
Cut to the bow at the very front Hulk is pulling himself up the anchor chain which is running down to the sunken helicopter. He pulls himself up with one arm and then he reaches to pull himself higher with the other arm and suddenly, Wham! The bow of the boat is pulled underwater and the boat tilts an angle theta equals 30 degrees to the water.
Cut to the two fishermen being thrown into the water.
Cut to Cindy aiming at Able with the pistol just as Able is aiming at Bill. They both go flying and both pistols discharge but miss the targets. Able is near a cabin door, and he goes flying out onto the deck.
Cut to Terrorists flying through the air in the direction of the bow. Cut to hostages flying toward the bow.
Cut to Arnold flying toward the bow direction and Blam. He’s knocked cold. as he hits a wall.
Cut to Jesse looking at himself in the mirror.
Jesse I rock.
Jesse goes flying, and we see his image go flying, back first, off the mirror.
Cut to Bill flying and falling toward Cindy and Mary, and Hillary and other hostages who are already against a wall. Bill lands on top of them with his hands outstretched. One hand inadvertently lands on Cindy’s butt which he grabs as he lands.
Cut to Hillary recovering from the fall. She shakes her head, sees Bill’s hand on Cindy’s butt and slaps him. Cindy raises her pistol and fires at Able who we see running or sliding (it’s hard to tell which) past the portholes, but she misses. The boat sinks a bit more and lurches. Cindy is about to go after Able just as this happens, and Bill is thrown into her again, and he grabs her butt to keep from flying further and won’t let go. She turns around and hits his hand with her pistol and his grip is broken. She turns back around and slaps him and goes after Able as best as she can given that the floor of the boat is at a sharp angle to the horizontal.
Cut to Hulk pulling himself up further onto the bow as the tip of the bow sinks into the water. It’s as if the faster he pulls himself up the more the boat bow is sinking. But now he’s on dry boat.
Hulk I must be putting on weight.
We hear noises like the creaking of a ship about to sink and buckle.
Cut to a scruffy Jesse pulling himself back up to the mirror. He looks a bit shook up. He looks into the mirror and sees on the wall behind him—a sword. He cocks his head a la Zorro and turns around to look at the sword. He cocks his head again.
Cut to Mary in the cabin. Bill approaches her. Arnold is still out cold and no one seems to be in charge. Mary is checking her machinegun.
Bill Do you know how to use that? To shoot?
Mary I’m from Minnesota.
Bill (to Mary) What should I do?
Mary I don’t know. If we just stay put we’ll be ok…until we sink. When Arnold and Jesse come back they’ll know what to do. I just pray they get back soon.
Bill That’s what I’ll do, I’ll pray.
Bill looks over and sees the Pope and several other ex-hostages praying and he goes and kneels down by them.
Bill I…I don’t know where to start.
Voice over of Jesse calling out Mary! Mary!
Mary I’m here!
Mary runs to her husband’s voice and gets to the cabin door just in time to meet up with him. This is right by where Bill is praying.
Jesse is wearing the sword and has his black bandana a la Zorro now with eye slits cut out. He puts his finger up to his mouth.
Jesse (quietly to Mary) Shuu… There are dangerous men about.
Mary We’re sinking. Would you quit playing around?
Voice over of Bill to God Yes. Quit playing around. We need help down here.
Jesse bows. Just around the corner, several of the other passengers are praying including Bill. Jesse and his wife embrace and look into each other’s eyes.
Jesse (quietly to Mary) So, I’m still going to get sex tonight? Right?
Mary Of course.
Jesse (louder and acting) Are you having lustful thoughts my child?
Voice over of Bill Yes! …Lustful.
Jesse continues to hug his wife who has a machinegun as we cut to Bill who is looking in awe.
Bill And, I promise if you only let us get through this, I’ll never make unwanted sexual advances at women anymore. Including Hillary…About the impeachment…
Mary and Jesse enter the cabin.
Jesse (to Mary) God. I’m glad you’re safe. Where’s Arnold?
Mary I don’t know. I thought he was with you. He said they were holding some other hostages in another cabin.
Jesse Maybe, he went to help them. I’ll check.
Frank I’ll go with you.
Jesse No. You stay here. Keep the President safe. I want to show Arnold my new mask.
Frank You better hurry that whole section will be underwater in a few minutes.
Jesse You stay here, Mary. And don’t be jealous. You’re more beautiful than any of those 40 or so swimsuit models I’ll be rescuing.
Bill (calling out, and jumping up from Prayer) I’ll go with you.
Hulk appears in the cabin doorway.
Hulk Is there anyone left to rescue?
Frank Yeah. A whole bunch right below us.
Hulk All right! Let’s go.
Bill smiles at Mary.
Bill (to Mary) I don’t think we’ve met.
Jesse You can come too, Bill.
Cut to Able moving to the stern of the boat which is the highest part of the boat above water. He runs into Uman there. Along with several other terrorists.
Able What’s happening?
Uman It’s sinking! It’s sinking just like I said it would.
Able But the hostages are still alive. The President is alive. They are not dying.
Uman The front end of the boat will go under. We are at the stern. Either they drown or they need to come to us. We will have cover.
Able Position yourselves. Do we have enough ammo?
Terrorist 1 Yes.
Able Only one problem Uman. The American rescue forces. If they attack now all is lost. We will be sitting ducks here. We must at least get the President. I’m going after him. If we get him then we win even if we all die. Don’t worry. It won’t get any worse. Hold the stern.
Cut to the Commando team in the water some distance away. Night still. They are all just floating there.
Commando 1 Do you think it’s still out there?
Commander I don’t know. Just don’t wiggle your feet.
Commando 1 When will they send rescue forces for us?
Commander We are the rescue forces, stupid. Shit. That reminds me. Can we fix the radio?
Commando 1 No. It sunk with the boat.
Commander Shit. (looking at his watch) If we don’t radio in in about four minutes ago, they’ll think we’ve failed and ….damn.
Commando 1 We did fail Sir.
Voice over of the Sergeant Done in by a fish.
Voice over BANG we hear a pistol shot.
Cut to everyone turning to look in the direction that the Sergeant and his pistol shot except Hicks who is still singing along with songs.
Cut to Hicks still listening to another popular song and singing along with it. It is Jewel’s "My Hands Are Small"
Hicks (to himself singing) "If I could tell the world just one thing, it’s that we’re all ok and not to worry cause worry is useless in times like these…I won’t be made useless. I won’t be idled with despair…my hands are small I know but…"
Cut to Fisherman 1 back in the aluminum rowboat and he is helping Fisherman 2 into the boat.
Cut to U.S. Command headquarters. A private rushes in. The general is reading a book on Origami and folding paper. He has a little bird. Al is still waiting around.
Private Still no word. Contact is overdue. This was the last radio contact.
Voice over of screaming and light shooting from the silenced machineguns. "Oh no." "Mayday. Mayday." And then the reception is garbled and then it goes dead.
General Then they have failed. That means they know we will not negotiate, and they certainly have killed the hostages.
Al So we’ve lost?
General Well, if any of those terrorist bastards is still alive and hasn’t committed hypo carry yet, we can give them a final kick in the ass. Private, order an air strike on the boat. Finish off the terrorist bastards.
Al Shouldn’t we be sure there aren’t any hostages still alive first?
General Sure. Why not?
Cut to the fishermen’s small aluminum row boat and the two wet fishermen are sitting in it with the fishing rod. They are facing the camera and behind them is the sinking yacht with its bow in the water and the rear of the boat lifted into the air.
Fisherman 1 That’s one tough Muskie.
Fisherman 2 Yeah. You think we should go home and try again tomorrow?
Fisherman 1 Yeah. I’m exhausted. Let’s call it quits and get a pizza.
Cut to Hulk and Jesse and Bill entering an area of the boat half submerged with water.
Voice Over Women screaming and pleading for help. Calling over here, over here.
Bill Women. This way.
Hulk and Bill and Jesse come to a door, and it is locked. Hulk and Jesse hit it with their shoulders and it gives. Inside are the rest of the bathing models still in swimsuits. They are all handcuffed to these two rails above them. The water nearly covers them up to about chest level.
Bill Quick, give me the keys.
Jesse We don’t have any keys.
Bill digs into one of his pockets and takes something out.
Bill I hope this one works.
Cut to Reaction shot of Jesse and Hulk wondering "What is he doing with a key? Or maybe he is trying to pick the lock."
Bill is reaching up by one of the model’s hands and Bill and the model are really close and the cuffs are sliding along the rail as the boat sinks further and Bill is trying to use his body to keep the model from moving and sliding about, and Bill is struggling to put something into the handcuff key hole. We only have a shot of the upper half of Bill and the model and it almost looks like he is trying to have sex with her.
Bill I’m having trouble getting it in. Help me.
Jesse We don’t have time for this.
Cut to Hulk looking up at the two bars on each side of the cabin. Both of which are simultaneously within reach.
Hulk reaches up and grabs the two bars and pulls on them. The bars are tubular aluminum and he pulls them apart. The ladies are able to slide the cuffs away from the bars and are freed as they all run toward Hulk and out of the sinking cabin. Several thank and kiss Hulk as they leave.
Hulk I’m beginning to like politics.
Cut to Bill left alone as the ladies run away from him and out of the cabin. He looks a bit hurt, but then the lady he was trying to free runs back to Bill. Bill smiles. Slap. The cuffed hands slap Bill. She starts to leave and looks at Jesse laughing in his Zorro mask.
Lady (to Jesse) Get a grip.
Cut to the commandos still adrift. They are paired up in twos. The buddy system. Hicks, listening to music still, is with Truffalo. We see Malloy looking tough and holding a big Rambo type knife.
Commander What weapons do we have left?
Commando 1 Two knives, that’s not so good, but the good news is we still have two shafts for the spear gun.
Cut to Truffalo looking down at the grenade. He notices that the pin isn’t fully in, but is rather just bearly holding it at an angle. Not very safe.
Truffalo (quietly) Ca..Ca..Captain…
Truffalo looks over and sees the other commandos are some distance from him and Hicks. Truffalo looks over at Hicks who is crying. There is a really sad song playing like Enya’s "On My Way Home," Truffalo starts to sweat, and we see his trembling hand go up by the grenade. He fumbles to reinsert the pin.
Truffalo Hicks…Cap…help.
Truffalo turns to look at the other commandos, and he is sweating badly just as he sees the back of the big muskie pass by him. It wouldn’t seem possible, but he looks even more frightened.
Cut to Arnold waking up. He shakes his head and looks up. He is buried under some blankets and cushions and other stuff.
Frank You’ve been sleeping! Don’t you see we have a problem here? It’s about time you do something.
Cut to the ladies and Bill and Jesse and Hulk moving along a submerged corridor.
Cut to Arnold and Frank on the deck leading the hostages toward the stern of the boat and suddenly machinegun fire from Uman and the remaining terrorists forces them to take cover.
Cut to Jesse approaching Arnold. Jesse draws his sword and quickly slashes out an "M" into the woodwork of the wall.
Jesse Ah Ha. You know me. I could be anywhere.
Arnold Hey. That’s my boat. What the hell do you think you’re doing?
Jesse It’sink…I’m sorry.
Arnold glares at Jesse.
Arnold I know it’s sinking! That doesn’t mean you have to go and mar up the woodwork too.
Jesse I’m sorry. I…I didn’t think.
More machinegun bullets rip into the wall.
Arnold They have us pinned. Where are our forces? They should be here to rescue us by now.
Cut to a U.S. destroyer. And an officer looking at the sinking ship through a binoculars. He sees the terrorists at the stern but doesn’t see the hostages yet.
Officer 1 (to Officer 2) Just a few terrorists left. (to sailor) Prepare to fire.
Cut to the big naval gun bearing down on the boat.
Officer 1 Fire one.
Frank They’re shooting at us!
We see Jesse and Hulk and Bill and the ladies moving inside the cabin and they meet up with Arnold, Frank and the rest who have taken cover in the cabin from the terrorist machinegun fire.
Blam. Another miss. But it hits toward the bow of the boat and the boat is rocked.
Frank (to the cannons) Stop doing that!
Arnold runs toward the deck but is fired upon by the terrorists. He jumps back.
Arnold They think we’re all dead. We need to signal them.
Hulk I’ll go.
Hulk runs out from the cabin under fire and jumps into the water. He starts swimming toward the U.S. ship.
Jesse The guy’s insane.
Arnold Yeah. But you got to give him credit. I might vote for him myself.
Cut to Uman and terrorists noticing Hulk in the water and swimming.
Uman Shoot him!
The terrorists try to move into a better position to shoot at Hulk but Arnold and Jesse give cover fire and the terrorists need to take cover themselves. Hulk dives under the water, and we don’t see him until he surfaces a bit later farther away from the sinking boat.
Cut to a terrorist running rapidly toward the stern. He is panicked. And he runs right off the back of the boat and starts swimming rapidly. Another terrorist comes running rapidly, and Uman grabs him before he can jump overboard. There are a dozen or so armed terrorists at the stern.
Uman Stay calm.
Terrorist The fox! The fox is aboard killing many of our men. Let me go. I saw….
The terrorist breaks free and swims away. Suddenly, half of the remaining terrorists jump overboard.
Uman Shit.
Cut to U.S. ship.
Officer 2 Wait. I saw someone dive off the boat. There! There might still be some people alive we don’t see.
Officer 1 Cease fire. We’ll send the commandos instead. Maybe, you’re right.
Cut to a view from the sinking ship. Arnold and Jesse and the others see ten rafts full of commandos streaming toward them. The boats have light armor on front and are armed with machineguns. A soldier hits a CD and The Stone’s "Satisfaction" starts playing again.
Voice over A collective cheer from the hostages.
Cut to Uman and the terrorists at the far stern. They swing their weapons at the oncoming boats.
Uman Shit.
Cut to Arnold and Jesse and the others cheering. But then
Cut to Able who has come up from behind the group and has grabbed Mary, Jesse’s wife, and has a pistol pointed at her head. Able is inside the cabin. Mary is right between Able and the others, and they could not get a shot at Able without probably hitting her.
Able Mr. Governor. Give me the President right now. Or I’ll shoot your wife. An even exchange. It’s your choice.
Jesse looks down at Bill who has taken cover. Jesse looks at his wife.
Able (continuing) You better decide. If the those boats arrive here before you’ve made your decision, your decision is that your wife dies.
Jesse I don’t….(to Arnold) Can you get a shot off?
Arnold No. Not without hitting her.
Voice over of Frank Tough one. Betray your wife or betray your country.
The song "The Freshmen" starts playing in the background. "Whatever made us think we were wise and would never compromise. We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip. We’d say…"
Jesse Shut up. I need to think.
Jesse raises his pistol and fires, and the music stops.
Jesse Ok we’ll trade.
Arnold points his pistol at Jesse.
Arnold Can’t let you do that Jess. That’s the Commander and Chief.
Jesse That’s my wife.
Bill It’s ok. I’ll go.
Cut to a reaction shot of Hillary’s face who is proud of her husband. Bill stands up and starts walking toward Able. Hillary jumps up and kisses Bill.
Blam. We hear a gunshot from behind. Cindy is pointing a pistol at the back of Able’s head and Able falls to the floor dead.
Cut to the oncoming rafts going right by the cheering Hulk. They spray him with water. He spits out a stream of water from his mouth. Hulk is waving them on, but they don’t see him.
Hulk Hey! What about me?
Cut to the oncoming U.S. rafts. Uman and the other terrorists fire at them but they are badly outgunned and they are all shot up. The few still alive put up their hands.
One rubber attack raft goes back towards Hulk. It cuts the motor some distance from him.
Commander of raft 2 Cut the engine. We don’t want to mulch the poor guy. Dig out the oars. Throw him a rope. Hurry. That freezing cold water will sap that poor old fellow of most of his strength almost immediately.
A commando throws out a rope that is floating by Hulk.
Commander of raft 2 (continuing, shouting to Hulk) Grab hold of the rope. I know it’s hard, but just hang on. We’ll get you. Just pull on the rope as hard as you can.
Cut to a distance shot of the rope going taught and the rubber raft going high into the air and all the commandos spilling out.
Cut to Truffalo and first team of commandos still floating in the water. Truffalo has the grenade in his hand and is tying his dog tags around it. He has some T-shirt he has cut into strips and it is also tied to the grenade. Truffalo takes his knife and cuts his hand just a bit to draw blood. He wipes it onto the rag attached to the grenade. He sees the muskie coming. Truffalo puts his hand into the water and drops the grenade, and it sinks as the dog tags spin around.
Truffalo Smile, you son of a fish.
Truffalo quickly pulls his hand away just as the fish passes and eats the grenade.
Truffalo Huh. Hug…HE TOOK IT! Ha! Ha!
Cut to the muskie chewing on the grenade and then gulp, he swallows it. The muskie is under the water and we hear a slight explosions under the water, and the waves kick up just a bit. The commandos cheer, and we hear a muskie burb. Commando 1, the one with a face mask, looks under the water and comes back to the surface and shakes his head, "No." Then he faints.
Malloy Oh, Great. Now, you just went and made him mad.
Cut to ex-hostages and Hillary climbing up a ladder and onto a U.S. rescue ship. Two sailors are standing there watching near a railing as two other sailors are helping the ex-hostages on board.
Cut to the models starting to come out of the sinking boat.
Sailor 1 (watching sailor, who sounds a bit like Bill) Hey! Check out the babes!
Cut to Sailor 2 turning to look just as Hillary gets off the ladder and turns around.
Voice over Slap!
We cut to Sailor 1 holding his face.
Cut to Hillary who has fully turned around and realized she hit someone she didn’t know.
Hillary Sorry. I thought you were someone else.
Then Hillary sees Bill leaving the sinking boat and there are cheers for Bill from the sailors. Hillary smiles, and Bill waves he’s ok to her.
Just as Jesse is getting off the ladder and boarding the rescue ship, Jesse’s wife is next off the ladder onto the rescue ship, Jesse looks back at Bill.
Jesse Why didn’t they cheer me? I did more than Bill did.
Mary I’m just glad to be safe dear.
Sailor 1 (thinking he was spoken to or kidding) I’m glad to have you safe honey.
Pow! We see Sailor 1 fall to the floor on his butt.
Jesse Don’t call my wife honey.
Sailor 1 Gee. Sorry.
Cut to the sinking boat. Arnold is just sitting there forlorn. Frank approaches.
Frank Everyone else is off. It’s time to go big guy.
Arnold This used to be my yacht. I had it custom built in Germany from the finest Corten steel. It took four years to build.
Frank Come on. We need to go.
Cut to Arnold leaving the sinking boat as everyone cheers.
Jesse Oh, Sure!
Cut to Sailor 1 and Sailor 2 still by the railing. Sailor 1 is holding his chin. Just as Arnold is climbing up the ladder and onto the rescue ship, he looks back at the sinking craft.
Cut to the stern of the boat only above the water.
Sailor 1 (to Sailor 2) Stupid sinking boat. Probably wasn’t made in the United States.
Cut to a long view of the boat.
Slap. We see Sailor 1 go flying over the side ship and toward the water.
Cut to Hulk on the raft pulling a commando out of the water. Then he reaches down and pulls up another one. There are already a few commandos back on the raft, but they all look totally exhausted and beat lying down. Suddenly, SPLASH, a sailor lands near Hulk’s raft.
Hulk Where the hell did that one come from?
Cut to a U.S. rescue ship. Cut to inside the ship. All the ex-hostages are in blankets. Frank is eating a doughnut. We see Bill and Hillary under a blanket together. It looks like they are on better terms. Bill looks around and then back at Hillary.
Officer (to Jesse) Did any of the special ops force survive?
Jesse You mean the men in the dingy?
Officer America’s finest.
Jesse I’ll be damned. (to Arnold) Hey! Those guys were Special Forces. (to officer) I don’t know what happened to them. I don’t think they were hurt.
Voice over of Bill Oh come on. No one will ever notice.
Cut to Jesse and Mary sitting together talking. Then we see Cindy and an officer walk out of a room. Cindy is wearing a small pistol in a holster.
Jesse (to Mary) Excuse me. I’ll be right back.
Cut to Jesse approaching Cindy and the officer.
Jesse I just wanted to thank you for saving my wife’s life.
Cindy No problem.
Officer Have you met Ms. Inoiv. She’s one of the best. Israeli counter terrorism.
Jesse What?
Officer She’s been trying to get Able Acham for several years.
Cindy And I finally did.
Jesse I thought you were…one of my groupies…my only groupie actually…I mean you were on the boat before the President even arrived. Did you know they planned this attack?
Cindy Of course I did…The President, he just showed up unexpectedly. Coincidence.
Jesse My wife could have been killed. You didn’t even warn us.
Cindy (to Jesse) I didn’t want you to cancel it. I wouldn’t have been able to get Acham then. And we couldn’t risk leaking that we knew. You should be happy. Every thing turned out well. Go home. Be Governor. Leave national defense to the professionals.
Officer (to Cindy) We’re going to keep everybody aboard tonight until we’ve had a chance to debrief them.
Cut to Arnold at the back of the Navy ship. Arnold is looking out on his sinking boat in the distance and he is looking sad. Jesse approaches. We hear the creaking sounds in the distance of a sinking boat and only a little of the stern is not under water.
Arnold I loved that boat.
Jesse You can always buy another one. It only cost you what, a few hundred million dollars?
Voice over of more boat creaking.
Arnold Yeah. I guess you’re right.
Jesse Here, I brought something to cheer you up.
Jesse holds out a cellular phone to Arnold.
Jesse By the way, have you seen Hulk. I wanted to thank him.
Arnold (to Jesse) I think he was here at the stern. He was carrying a bunch of guys. I don’t know. (into phone) Hello.
Voice over of Arnold’s wife Hi, dear. It’s me.
Arnold (into phone) Sweetheart. I missed you.
Voice over of Arnold’s wife I’m so glad you’re all right.
Arnold looks over at his boat and it makes one loud creak and then it disappears rapidly into the water and the surface of the water is clear.
Arnold You know me. I’m a survivor. I’m glad you couldn’t make the party. It really sunk.
Voice over of Arnold’s wife Well those terrorists will know better next time then to mess with you. Oh, By the way, I’d like to ask you a favor. I know it’s not the best time with all the hassles you’ve been under. Kidnapped and all.
Arnold No. Go ahead.
Voice over of Arnold’s wife I inadvertently left my favorite necklace, You know the diamond one you gave me for my birthday, aboard TermTanic. In the vault. I was wondering if you could pick it up for me before coming home.
Arnold looks out at the water, and TermTanic is gone.
Arnold Yeah, Sure. No problem.
Cut to a sailor approaching a blanket that is vigorously moving around. Somebody is fooling around under there. We hear some noises of a couple having sex. The sailor hesitates but then taps the blanket.
Sailor Excuse me.
Bill’s face sticks out and his hair is all scruffy.
Bill What?
Sailor Oh. Excuse me Mr. President. It’s a hum…They have cabins ready for everyone. We’re keeping everyone on board tonight for debriefing. You have your own private cabin.
Bill looks around and there are no other ex-hostages on deck. It was just Bill and Hillary under the blanket. The Sailor is trying to get a look at who is under the blanket with Bill but he can’t see.
Sailor (quietly) Is that Monica? She’s a knockout.
Bill shakes his head "no" and like "shut up you." Then Bill goes back under the blanket.
Voice over Bill from under the blanket They have cabins for us dear…
Voice over Slap!
Cut to the side and stern of the U.S. rescue ship. Jesse approaches Hulk who is looking out at the water.
Jesse What you thinking about?
Hulk Supply side economics. And you?
Jesse Sex.
Hulk nods.
Jesse Thanks for your help today.
Hulk No problem.
Jesse You know those bars holding the ladies. I could of broke them.
Hulk Sure you could have.
Jesse No. I could have.
Hulk I’m not saying you couldn’t.
Jesse Well, just in case you were thinking I couldn’t, I can.
Hulk You might have been able to. You were always strong for a runt.
Jesse A runt? Hey, I could take you right now. Let’s go. Let’s wrestle.
Hulk looks beyond Jesse like there is someone behind him.
Hulk Is that all right with you Mary, if we wrestle?
Jesse quickly spins around.
Jesse (to the air) I was only kidding. We weren’t…
Hulk laughs.
Hulk Gotch ya.
Jesse turns back to Hulk pissed, but he cools it. Jesse starts laughing.
Jesse You sure did. I almost had a heart attack. Well, anyway, thanks for your help.
Jesse is looking out at the water and squinting.
Hulk You all right?
Jesse Yeah. I think you missed one.
Hulk Huh?
Jesse There’s still one guy out there, I think. My eyes aren’t as good as they used to be. But, I think it’s a man. You’ve done enough, Hulk. I’ll get him. There’s enough credit for both of us saving them.
Jesse bends to dive in but Hulk stops him.
Hulk I’ll get him. I saved all the others. I may as well get the last one.
Jesse You know Hulk, I’m so dang tired, I’m not going to argue with you. If you want to be the hero and save the last one, I’ll let you.
Hulk You know, maybe, I misjudged you. Maybe, you will make a good Governor. Where’s the boats?
Jesse They put them away already.
Hulk takes a deep sigh and dives into the water.
Cut to an officer going into a hospital-like room on the U.S. boat. A terrorist is lying in a bed and he’s delirious and shouting out odd phrases, "oh no." some phrases are in foreign languages.
Medical Officer I thought you’d want to see this. This is one of the terrorists we fished out of the water.
Terrorist Deepak Chopra. The fox…Seven Eleven. Err…
Officer What’s he saying?
Medical Officer He’s delirious now. He was saying something about a fox being aboard the boat and killing many men.
Officer Odd. There were also reports of seeing Zorro.
Medical Officer We weren’t using any of our funny chemicals were we?
Officer No. Not this time. If he comes to, get one of our artists to sketch out this fox.
Medical Officer We’re a battleship, Sir. We don’t have any artists.
Officer I know that. You sketch it then. Fax it to me when you’re done.
Medical Officer Couldn’t I just run it up to you on foot? You know we just got Windows 98, and I still haven’t figured out how to fax yet.
Officer Did you read the documentation?
Medical Officer Three times, Sir.
Officer God help us if the Russians attack now. Fax it. That’s an order.
Cut to the ship going away, and we can tell it is going at a good clip because there is water being kicked up at the stern. Night.
Cut to Hulk in the water. Night. He is swimming toward the boat just as it takes off. It is still some distance away.
Hulk There’s no one out here…Hey! Wait for me!
Hulk starts swimming faster but then suddenly there is something moving in front of him and across his path. It is the back of the big Muskie. Bump, Bump. The music plays. Hulk stops swimming and looks around and all we see is water for a distance and blackness of night.
Hulk What the hell was that?
Cut to Cindy entering her cabin. She shuts the door and turns on the light and we see Frank standing there. He walks up to her.
Frank I guess we need to spend the night on the boat. Debriefing. Do you mind if I debrief you?
Frank and Cindy start kissing passionately.
Cut to Mary getting into her bed in her nightgown. Jesse is washing his face and looking in the mirror. He looks at the mask sitting on the sink. They have a cabin on the U.S. vessel.
Mary For reelection let’s do something more private.
Jesse, in his mask, quickly approaches Mary and hands her a small rose.
Jesse Senorita…Don’t move…
Jesse goes and picks up the sword.
Mary Oh no! You put that down. Now. This is the end of Jess Zorro. If you don’t put that down, you know what it means.
Jesse puts the sword down and takes off the mask.
Jesse Ok.
Mary Your work is done. It’s time to put the mask away.
Jesse I can keep it though, right?
Mary Yes. Now, go put it away.
Jess goes back into the bathroom and looks at the mask. He is looking nostalgically.
Jesse My work has been done. Injustice is vanquished. But…there will still be injustice. Yes. There will still be battles to fight. The legend will never die.
Cut to early morning. The fishermen are out in their rowboat again. We see the commanders at a distance.
Commander 1 Hey! We’re here! We’re here!
Fisherman 2 What’s that?
Fisherman 1 I don’t know by golly.
Fisherman 2 (calling out) What are you fellows doing there?
Commando 1 We’re SEALs. Help.
Fisherman 2 (to Fisherman 1) They’re after seals by golly!
Fisherman 1 Seals aren’t this far south.
Fisherman 2 They’re endangered too, I think. I think that’s what the Field and Stream said.
Fisherman 1 Should we take them to the game warden? There’s a $100 reward for poachers.
Fisherman 2 Yeah. We’ll do just that. I thought it was more than $100.
Fisherman 1 (Calling out to the SEALs) You stay right where you are by golly. Don’t you go anywhere.
Cut to inside a Minnesota small town police station, a la Fargo. The SEALs are sitting in the police station on chairs. An older police officer approaches.
Officer So you’d boys decide you’re going to talk yet? (to commando Malloy) Come on.
Commando Malloy Malloy. 7722983
Officer (calling out of room) Marge!?
In walks the police lady from Fargo. She takes a drink from the coffee cup in her hands, and she sits down behind her desk in front of all the commandos.
Marge So what were you boys doing out there on Lake Superior?
Commander We weren’t doing anything. Honest.
Marge You sure you boys weren’t poaching game without a license?
Commander No mam.
Marge reaches under her desk and pulls out the spear gun.
Marge Then what’s the spear gun for?
Marge looks sternly at the commando boys. Pause.
Truffalo It was the fish. We were shooting at the fish and it just kept coming….(Truffalo breaks out in sobs crying in his hands)
Marge There. There. …Now don’t you feel better that you told the truth? There will of course be a fine. Sergeant.
On hearing the word sergeant, several more of the men break out crying. Marge gets up and meets the sergeant police officer at the room of the door.
Officer I don’t know how you do it Marge. You always get them to confess.
Marge Awh. They’re good kids.
Another police officer approaches Marge with a paper in his hand. He is looking like something is strange.
Officer 2 There’s something strange here, Marge.
Marge Nothing’s strange. This is Minnesota.
Officer 2 We just got this fax. We’re supposed to keep a look out for, well, here.
Officer 2 hands Marge the fax and she looks at it. It’s a fax of a sketch of a fox. An animal fox with pointy ears and all.
Marge Are you sure this isn’t meant for the DNR boys?
Cut to an auditorium. We see a medal being pinned on the young commando commander.
Voice over For bravery. Meritorious service and courage in the face of grave odds.
Commander It was a big fish.
The officer awarding the medal looks like, "What the hell? Big Fish?" The commander salutes in return to the officer who has just pinned the medal on him. All his men salute—except for Hicks who salutes just a second late because he was listening to his music on an ear phone.
Cut to Terrorist Abdule in heaven. He’s walking about in the clouds in awe. An angel approaches him. The angel has a clipboard.
Angel You must be Abdule?
Abdule Yes. Where am I?
Angel You are in heaven. Sign here, please.
Abdule signs the clipboard.
Abdule You mean I made it?
Angel You sure did. You didn’t really do anything wrong. You were a terrorist, that worked against you. It was a tough call. But Arnold’s wishes gave you the nod.
Abdule Arnold?
Angel Yeah. He carries a lot of weight up here. Your room.
The angel opens a door and inside are about half a dozen beautiful women. Abdule smiles just as the angel is looking at his clipboard.
Angel (continuing) Oh? You’re a fundamentalist?
Abdule Yes.
Angel I’m sorry. I apologize. Wrong room. It won’t happen again.
The Angel quickly closes the door to the beautiful women.
Cut to Frank waking up in bed. He smells the pillow and is happy. The music continues to play. Frank sits up and sees a note on the night table. He picks it up and smells of it and smiles. He unfolds it and his face drops. He folds the note closed.
Cut to Cindy walking towards an airplane and away from us. She has a duffel bag slung over her shoulder. Then we see her hoist a machinegun over her shoulder also. The song with lyrics "that she’s broken a fragile man just because she can, and she’s feeling like a criminal." is playing. (I don’t know the song name or the artist.)
Cut to early morning. Hulk is swimming to the shore and he is pulling something behind him. Then he is in shallow water and dragging something. Then he reaches down and hefts up onto his shoulders a 15 foot Muskie. He walks with it onto the shore.
Voice over of Hulk I’m going to have this puppy stuffed.
We see Hulk walking away with the 15 foot muskie carried over his shoulder.
Credits start to roll. As the music plays we also hear:
Voice over of sports commentator 1 This 5-yard penalty is going to be a tough call for the Vikings.
Voice over of sports commentator 2 What’s that? On the field?
Voice over of sports commentator 1 It looks like a man in a back mask with a sword arguing with the referee about the penalty.
Voice over of sports commentator 2 That’s certainly a first for Minnesota.
Voice over of sports commentator 1 I’ll be damned they’re waiving the penalty.
The commentators are over the radio of a DNR police car. A lady like Marge is driving it and the lights flash as it pulls up behind Hulk. She rolls down the window of the passenger side.
Sue Hey there.
Hulk Hello.
Sue That’s a great looking fish. I don’t think I’ve seen bigger.
Hulk It is a monster, isn’t it? You wouldn’t believe what I had to go through to get it.
Sue Yeah. Congratulations. Could I see your fishing license?
Hulk Huh?
Sue It’s routine. We’re checking everybody. DNR, Department of Natural Resources, sometimes called the Crappie cops.
Cut to the DNR door slamming. Hulk is inside the back seat. The fish is strapped to the roof of the car. Sue gets into the car.
Sue Fishing without a license is taken pretty seriously in Minnesota. You should have bought a license, instead of trying to save a little bit of money. Don’t you know there’s more to life than a little bit of money?
The DNR car drives down the road.
The end. Copyright ã 1999 Peter Hupalo
Note: all the songs referred to in the script are really excellent and are copyrighted by the respective artists. Hopefully, the permissions to use them can be secured for filming. I heard most of them when listening to a new radio station in the Twin Cities, "104.1 The Point" |